Bulimia Help

The urges are coming on pretty strong, but I know I can fight them. They come in waves, you know? And they won't be this bad forever. I can do this.

I am proud to say that I have not purged in over a month!!! Problem is I can't seem to beat this overeating/bingeing. I know it takes time to get it all under control but if I don't get it under control soon I fear the urge to purge will increase even more. I tried not to get too upset about it last month and just focus on not purging. This month my goal was going to be to not overeat/binge especially at dinner. Since Wednesday I have done worse with overeating because I know I have now made that my goal. It just seems like I set up all these rules or goals and then I want to rebel against them like someone else is telling me to do them. I need to have structure and know I can't eat the whole kitchen every night without expecting to put on weight. I don't understand why I eat until I am stuffed every night and then get mad because I do it. Why don't I just stop? I hate feeling so full and uncomfortable and it is definitely triggering. I just feel like recovery has so many stages and I wonder when I will get to the end of this horrible nightmare. I have tried making a time I have to be done eating at night but that doesn't work because I just eat faster to get more in before my end time. I try planning something after dinner but keep eating to stall having to do what I have planned. This recovery thing is so hard! I am not going to give up though!

okay, I made it to day 7 without a binge, and then I binged tonight.
But it wasnt an emotional binge.. i starved myself all day! so I guess my body was mad at me for not feeding it.
Now i feel like shite because of too much sugar in my system,. no more skipping meals!
i HAVE to stick to my meal plans!

Im so proud of myself,. in 3 months, ive gone from binge eating every day, sometimes even twice,.. fasting on and off.. sometimes doing week long water fasts, blacking out, lacking energy,. feeling foggy etc to eating 3 meals on most days! im proud of me!

i want to shoot for another 10 days symptom free.

i think if I set myself little challenges, ill get there. After I make it to 10 days symptom free, Ill shoot for 14 days. Im rewarding myself with a nice dress tommorow :)
so from tommorow, im going for 10 days, eating ALL my planned meals, no skipping meals, no binge eating and at least 30 mins of excercise 5 times a week. Ill think up another reward once i make it to that goal.

It takes time and effort, but it can be done!

Yesterday was horrible, alot of stress and worry in my life, helping the ambulence try to revive my neighbour out of a diabetic coma scared the crap out of me, then my mum was ill and had to look after her and the house. Once again I b/p'd and cut.
WHY DID I DO IT?
I felt out of control and scared. Like I didn't do enough to help. I hated myself so numbed with food, purging and cutting. Obviously it didn't help, but only added to my feelings of guilt and worthlessness.

ON THE POSITIVE
I removed all thinsporation from my computer and even though I felt the urge to look at 'those' sites. I didn't (thankyou firestorm, you really are a great supporter)
I forced myself to go out, even though I wanted to hide away, was sociable, talked to my friends.
Exercised cuz I felt like it and didn't beat myself up about not working hard enough

So, day one wasn't good, but its over now and I'm ready to move onto another day. So, here's to day two, strength, willpower, and a smile :)

Well, I made it through day three and I am on my fourth day- no b/p! I feel like I am making some breakthroughs regarding healthy eating. I've been really paying attention to my hunger the last few days, and letting myself eat when I am hungry. What I have noticed is that three meals and two or three snacks a day is what my body needs so my blood sugar doesn't get too low (a binge trigger I've realized). I've read on other people's comments about "structured eating" and am not quite sure what this is- could someone enlighten me? Also- another mini breakthrough last night- I was at a friends playing boardgames in the early evening and the group ordered pizza, after having a couple of beers this combination is usually a dangerous one for me, however last night I was able to eat two small pieces and stop, not feeling guilty that I ate the pizza- not the healthiest choice and definitely not the grilled fish and veggies I had planned to make for dinner when I got home-but also not the horrible food monster that must be purged out of my system that I had let pizza become over the last few years. Small victories along this road, but victories nonetheless.

I am on my third day without binging or purging and I am feeling a whole spectrum of emotions. I am proud of myself for taking action by joining this site to provide me with a support system in my journey toward beating my cycle, but I am scared that I am once again going to relapse. I feel hopeful and positive that this will be the time that my determination to beat this disease will allow me to break free and get my life back, but I also am aware that I have a long road to recovery ahead of me and I have to take it one day- or one meal- at a time. This also scares me. I realize that I am consumed by fear and guilt- fear of gaining weight, guilt for doing such damage to my body over the last five years, fear that I have damaged myself forever and will never be able to be the healthy person I want to be, guilt that I have wasted so much time and money- literally flushing it down the toilet, fear that one bite of food could trigger a binge and I will be back to square one. I am tired of the fear, and tired of the guilt. I no longer want to obsess about food, constantly think about my weight and my waist measurement, or compare myself to everyone else- what they eat, how they look, how smart they are, how successful they are and how I don't ever seem to measure up. I want to be comfortable in my own skin, in who I am and what I am able to do. I want to be able to celebrate my accomplishments without feeling like "If only I were skinny I could really feel good about myself"

I fell off the wagon, this is me, writing the steps I am going to take to focus fully on recovering

Step 1
remove ALL thinspiration writing, diet stuff, websites from my computer

Step 2
don't count calories. Make soure I have 3 meals each day and, if hungry, also 2 snacks DIET SODA DOES NOT COUNT AS A SNACK

Step 3
exercise for pleasure, dance around the house like a loon, do yoga, pilates, whatever, change my outlook on exercise

Step 4
come to this site more often, surround myself with positive influences

Hello all. I joined this site about two weeks ago and am just now getting around to writing my first blog entry. I don't feel comfortable telling my whole story just yet, mostly because I just don't want to think about how long this sickness has had a hold on me. Right now I just want to focus on the here and now. Each day is a struggle. Hell, each hour is a struggle. I've been falling into binge/purges even more recently and I know it's because of all the mess in my life. And I'm sure you know the cycle: feel crappy, binge to shut off, feel guilty for binging, purge, feel guilty for purging, binge to shut off....and the cycle continues. That's where I am now. I'm having a really hard time coming back to life. I'm not happy where I am, but I just can't seem to find the desire or the energy to change. It's all so overwhelming.

Anyway, all this to say that I'm here to get some support. I'm going to be honest by saying that I don't feel 100% convinced that I'm ever going to change. But I do want to change. I really do.

I hope to find what I need here. Don't be shy. Reach out to me and I'll reach out to you.

Hey all,

I'm going through what I really believe is the final phases of my recovery now. It's been a year to the day when I arrived home at my parents house to take time out and begin recovery.

Since then, I've been in an Eating Disorder Outreach Service program at the Royal Brisbane Hospital had numerous appointments with my ED specialising GP, been to a Dietician, had my fair share of ups and downs, gained new friends whilst others wained. I've had a great support in my family and a Boyfriend who couldn't be any more perfect.

I'm writing tonight because sometimes I don't know how to feel. Five years of 'On/Off' bulimia with a dose of bulimarexia in there, and a relapse that helped me make the decision this time last year that I needed assistance in my recovery. I had that crux for so long and now that I'm in my final stages and I'm not vomiting, it's almost new foundland when I needed to handle a stressful situation or emotional moment.

When I've said in my blog title 'I miss it, but I don't', what I mean is that sometimes I really miss that means of escaping - being able to be at home and just focus on me. Admittedly there were days I hated it and I'm so grateful and happy for how far I've come and for all those people who truly helped me on this difficult path, but at times I get this feeling of 'ahhh... what to do?'. I'm not sure if I'm making sense, or if anyone can understand where I'm at, but I thought it was important to write about these feelings since this website too has been a part of my recovery.

I got the 'all clear' to exercise lightly and do yoga last week- which is such great news as I haven't be 'allowed' to exercise (apart from walking) for months! And with news like that, I know that there will be other positives around the corner.

Being in recovery is realizing that you are not the sweetest person in the world. It is actually good to be cranky and moodiness, to cry and shout and argue, because it means that you are expressing your feelings and not using food to numb them.

At the same time, I know that I can hurt people I love because of this.

This weekend I hurt my husband’s feelings. He has been working a lot and I am by my own during the weeks and weekends. I have no friends in this country. Besides my husband, the only person I can talk with is my 2 months old daughter.

I am being supportive about all this work stuff, but on Sunday I just “throw up” in him, saying terrible things. I told him that I felt no pleasure in the date we had in the night before.
Guess what? I was lying, I did it to hurt him, because I was missing him.
So, what I really would like to say is “I love you so much and I miss you…”

I am glad that I was able to realize it, even after blowing up. After the argument, I told him I was sorry, that the truth is that I was missing him and I needed more time with him.

It seems simple now. Saying “I am sorry”, “I miss you” and “I need you” was all I needed to not binge and purge. Or to not "throw up" on people I love.