Bulimia Help

I was doing so well.
Last night I couldn't sleep at all.
But I got up at quarter to 9, I can't help but think if I'd stayed up I'd be ok right now.
But I didn't, I went back to bed and finally dragged myself out of bed at 12.15pm
Then sat on FB talking to Evans until 2.
It was fun. He really makes me laugh,
I was happy.
Then I had breakfast, a very late breakfast, smack in the middle of my eating plan, I think that's where it kind of went wrong.
I should have taken two minutes out of talking to Evans to eat something at 1. I would have been sticking to my meal plan, I would have been fine.
Then I did about two hours of work, but the last half an hour of it I wasn't really concerntrating.
Mia was just niggling at me and so I went and bought binge food.
And while I was walking up the shop my brain was being really resonable and saying "It's not too late to turn around" and "You'll regret it, lets just turn this into a walk in the sunshine"
But mia won out today.
It wasn't a huge binge, in fact it was small-ish in comparrision to how they have been recently. Wasn't a full tub of icecream or an entire packet of biscuits, it was kind of just over half of each, which is pretty restrained for me.
Then I sat and watched the Gilmore Girls and just let my brain forget I'd even done it.
I'd just totally accepted that after the Gilmore Girls was over I was gonna purge.
And I did.
And now i have a headache and I'm annoyed but mostly I'm sad.
I've realy let myself down.
And I don't really know why.

I'm also aware that theres still half a tub of icecream in the freezer, I gave my brother the rest of the biscuits.
And I'm also aware that my stomach still has food in it.

I'm going to have a really hot bath later. Try and wash this feeling off of me.

Well, I was doing well, until last night. Then I had a minor binge/purge session, told myself to eat well and not b/p today, and all would be good. Eff pizza at work, eff showing up at a pool party after, eff being alone in the house after that. I ate so much, it literally hurt to walk. I haven't done that in a long, lonnnnnggggg time. It just really sucks because I was actually doing well, and better yet, felt good! When I wasn't b/p-ing, I wasn't even bloated. Now however, I feel like a guilty, fat cow. Really guilty. How can my parents not suspect anything? And the worst part? We have another pool party with lots of food tomorrow, and I'll be helping prepare dishes and desserts and grilling. Awesome. This is just another b/p waiting to happen. But, I'm going to try really REALLY hard to stick to a reasonable eating plan earlier in the day, then fill ONE plate of food, and just nimble until it's gone. And when it's gone, it's gone. It'll be water or gum until bedtime after that. Oh, how I dread evenings and nights :( Wish me luck. Xoxo

I miss IP.
I miss the structure. I miss the safety. I miss the dieticians. I miss the counselers. I miss Audrey. I miss the meal times. I miss the bathroom breaks. I miss not knowing my weight. I miss not counting calories. I miss not having money. I miss not being able to engage. I miss not being the sickest person I know. I miss being able to be open about my problems. I miss not going to the store. I miss not worrying about the outside world. I miss the other patients. I miss looking out the windows. I miss the garden with the 12 foot high privacy fence. I miss having a room mate. I miss going to sleep listening to the quiet chatter of the grave shift counselers.
I've been out almost 2 months and I've already returned back to the arms of that wonderful, terrible monster that is bulimia. I want to go back to the hospital. The real world isn't working for me. I want to go back to my safe little bubble called Unit 2East. My home isn't my safe zone like it should be, it's the place where I've been not-so-slowly killing myself for the last 4 years. The hospital is my safe place and I'd give anything to go back there right now.

I feel like I have legitimately gone crazy, I could have gone away to Niagara Falls with my best friend last night...we were going to have a good riddance party for ED and throw him off the edge of the falls. It would have been so much fun...but for some reason in the back of my head I am thinking, but I have an opportunity to binge tomorrow and I love having that option. I made up a stupid, stupid lie and bailed. Who does that? Honestly.

I woke up this morning feeling okay, but tempted. I got on my bike thinking I would go for a nice ride, I made it down the street did a U-Turn, grabbed money and hustled to the store to buy binge food. Can anyone relate, has anyone experienced what I am feeling.

Last time that I checked, this isn't the way I used to remember living life. This is hell

Well. 37 purge free weeks are completely shot down the drain. :( I'm having such a hard time with being home for the Summer. When I'm away at school, I can control my eating habits so much easier. This time last year is when things started getting really bad for me and I started going to see my psychologist. It's been about 3 months since I have been to therapy, and now I'm back to my ways. UGH. This is the worst feeling ever. I want to be healthy so bad but being home is such a trigger for me. It's like I am just so comfortable here and around my family that I feel like I can eat whatever I want. It's so accessible. Does anyone have any advice at all on how to stay the heck away from the kitchen at home?! Any advice is MUCH appreciated at this point.

xoxoxox. Hope everyone else is doing great!!!

Today has been shocking. I woke up at a quarter to 11 and I haven't stopped binging since. I woke up, binged, purged, put some washing on. Then I binged and purged again, then I did some ironing, then I had a mad bout of exercising, then I binged again then I had a bath, now I'm sitting here.
I'm actually shocked.
I can't purge anymore, my insides feel like jelly. Like if I spread my legs wide enough it would all just ooze out of me.
Sorry, that's disgusting, but I don't know how else to describe it.
I can't believe it's this bad.

You know, I haven't done any uni work for three weeks? I've only got about eight weeks left and I haven't written a word for three weeks.
I've got to write 25,000 words in eight weeks.
I'm fucked.
I'm fucked because all I can seem to bring myself to do these days is binge.
I think part of the reason I am binging is because I literally don't know where to begin on my dissertation. I have absolutely no inspiration so I'm just panicking I think.

I'm kind of feeling clean and refreshed after my bath though, I'm going to strip my bed and get into clean sheets and sort of try and symbollically refresh my bedroom (that's the place I binge) so that I can kind of have a proper fresh start tomorrow.
Less than two weeks till I go to London, I really don't want to be in such a mess come then. So I'm just gonna try and get a grip by then.
I don't know how, but I'm gonna give it a go.

I have to say I think that being on the anti-depressants is helping me stop myself from loosing all control when I binge.
I mean I'm still bingeing but it's not as sort of insane as usual. I'm able to stop myself while theres still food in front of me and I almost have to force myself to purge as well. I don't want to but I'm scared of putting the weight on.

Recently I have been thinking a lot about why I continue to struggle with ED. Looking back I would have never thought this nightmare would have lasted over 10 years now. I am a finisher and I usually don't let anyone or anything beat me at anything if I can help it. I just feel like this will never end. Yeah I can do good for periods of time but never long term. I really think my OCD fuels my ED so much! I am beginning to think if I can work on the OCD that maybe ED will get better. Sometimes I feel like I just over think this recovery thing. I get stressed out just trying to think about getting better. I guess instead of trying to figure everything out, I just need to do what I know is the right thing to do logically. I do have a logical side to me, and when I don't let my emotions run my life I do much better. So here is to listening to logic and not emotions.

I lasted 2 weeks.
Next time I hope it is 3 (or forever, either way).
This time I want to complain about all the things that are wrong with me in the hope that I read it later and stop thinking it is good....
My hands are dry and red, my lips are cracked, the skin around my mouth is red and sore, my eyes are bloodshot, my throat hurts, my cheeks are swollen and i have no energy.
To be fair I had a really bad day. It was a definite binge trigger kind of day. It was the first day back at uni, I forgot my wallet, I almost ran out of petrol, one of my friends snapped at me (she wasnt angry at me but still took it out on me), I was unprepared for class, I didnt get time to go to the gym and my boyfriend is still overseas. I need someone to tell me it is all going to be ok. I want someone here to understand that i freak out over the little things.
I only hope i can get better for longer next time. I was enjoying looking healthy and people commenting on my good health. I was happy with having cheek bones. I was enjoying the gym and exercising. Now i have to start all over and face tomorrow with the scars of today visible on my face and in my mind.
x J

I have been in bulimia for so many years that it has many different phases to it. I go through periods where I don't plan on b/p and it just seems to happen, and then I have times where I plan the b/p. I am in a bad place right now. I eat really healthy all day and then as soon as I get off from work I am off to get all this binge food. Yesterday I even called my mom on my way home from work for accountability, and left my money at my apartment. I still drove all the way to my apartment, got my money, lied to my mom, and chose to b/p. Knowing the whole time that in the end it would make me feel out of control, scared, angry, swollen, hopeless, depressed, angry, etc. I even thought before the binge that this is only a temporary fix and I thought through it and decided I wanted the temporary fix.

I havent been on here in ages!! I stopped b/p-ing succesfully for about 9 months, but now its back...

I thought I was okay, that it had stopped once and for all
but for some reason I'm full on back to being bulimic
Its been back for almost 2 months now, and the whole time I thought I could handle it
and get back to staying healthy...I was sooo wrong.

I don't really know why, I do know that whatever I was doing before wasnt the answer...
Because it had been working for 9 months, I fooled myself into thinking it was working.

But it obviously wasn't. I need to find a way out again.
And so I'm restarting my recovery, trying to figure out what I did right and wrong the first time

I know I definitely need support, so I came back here :)

I'm scared that even after 9 months of not b/p-ing, my body remembers how to do it...
I'm frusterated that I'm happy I've lost the weight I gained during recovery
I'm scared that I'm ruining my body majorly with this second time around
my teeth ache
I'm running out of money
I'm scared I wont be able to ever recover

I dont know what to do...

but I do know, July 19th 2009 was the first day of those 9 months of freedom
and I wanna still be on the road to recovery July 19th 2010.
That was one of my mid-term goals I set last year, to still be in recovery in a year
I will fulfill it
its not okay to binge and purge, its not normal, its not healthy, there is no justifying it
I will stop, I will be free of this

and this blog is the first step in a different direction of recovery!!