Bulimia Help

30 good days. Hardly any trouble at all. But then today I don't know what happened.
I felt so fat. I went to this course for uni today. I RAN there and I RAN back. It was over 9 miles. No problems at all. But still felt enormous. And because yesterday I had to go out for dinner for my friends birthday. Then my mean, nasty boyfriend made me go to tesco. I hate tesco. I try to stay away from it, but my boyfriend is getting fed up of doing all the shopping. So I had to go. I walked past something nice and I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I don't really know why I had this relapse. I probably have to think about it. Things have been going well. I have been enjoying life more, making the most of it. I didn't enjoy the binge. And now I have red blotchy eyes. I destroyed half of it. There is still some left. I don't have the energy to eat it.

I know that I've been really tired today. And I felt really low. But I was meant to go out with some friends but I was too tired. So I had a nap and when I woke up I still felt horrible. My boyfriend was out and I was alone. And now my boyfriend just phoned (drunk) and he is so so so so gutted. I couldn't lie to him. He was going to buy me a treat if I managed January. So near and yet so far...

This love is not alive, its dead. Death seems more and more appealing with every relapse. But you are not gonna kill me.

HUSH those tempting promises..get out of my body, get out of my mind! Your bruises are not my identity. Your scars do not define my self worth. I want to feel emotion again. I need to feel love and laughter again. I want my sisters to smile at me again. I want the sweet boy to tickle again. I do not need your embrace any longer.

once upon a time I loved myself. Once upon a time I adored my curves even more than the boy did. I looked in the mirror and felt like an empowered woman. The boy loved me too. All of me. Each and every imperfection.

Fate and time took over my life. The boy left for home and he had no choice but shut me out. I served no purpose in his life, suffering thousands of miles away from him. I believed it was my fault. Then you, bulimia decided to invite yourself into my life. Now all I see tears falling into the sink. Sometimes i wish it was blood. My sisters don't know what to say. My parents drink more and more to wash down some of the pain I cause them. The boy has shut me out of his life. I don't blame him for wanting to forget me..I am crazy. I am worthless. But I am sick of being ignored. It's not my fault. If its not my faul then why is the pressure to save the world being put on my shoulders?? Why do i deserve this heartbreak and suffering? Why are the walls colapsing at every corner?

After one whole month of normalized eating i have relapsed!! BIG TIME :(
I feel so worthless,fat, bloated, and confused. I have binged twice in the past four days on HUGE amounts of food. I am scared and hopeless. I have no idea what to do to get back on track. I fear if i don't starve myself i am gaurunteed to gain back all the weight i lost with healthy balanced eating... I don't know why this is happening to me or what i did to deserve this.

So I was sitting on my couch an hour ago, listening to my mom harrass me about classes and getting all my work done and I realized that I really, really want to purge. Like I used to when I was in the middle of the whole b/p cycle. I haven't had an episode since may 2008, and I haven't even had the urge to since september of that year. I mean, I'm alwaysss struggling with what I'm eating, and I'm on antidepressants and adderall so even though I can eat pretty healthy and not get sick, I defintely don't have a healthy relationship with food. I recently tried to go off my antidepressants, and so I guess thats probably a big factor, but I'm in absolute shock right now that I'm having to battle this urge again. It came way out of left field and all I want to do right now is cry. I thought I was past this and I thought that I was healthy. Even worse is the fact that I feel so completely out of control again. Especially when I thought I had it all together, and I'm afraid that's going to make fighting this harder. I remember how hard it was to stop the first time, and I have too much on my plate right now as it is to even think about having to fight that battle again. I don't even no know to do, but I'm terrified of relapsing. Help?

Yesterday it was my 23rd day of NO B/P!! I went to the local horse races and drank a fair bit of alcohol...

Ate Macdonalds and felt ill....dont know if it was booze or food but i purged and felt kinda bad...but still felt in control...

Then today...ate my morning muesli...it was ok..but feeling under the weather...ate 2 big slices of meat pie...felt ill after this ad a shower and purged...felt bad...then went to town to get my wisdom teeth checked and got put on a 12month waiting list to get them taken out...

So tired and hungry at this point i felt like doughnuts...so what did i do? i went and bought a packet of mini doughnuts...they tasted soooo bad!! so i went to the bakery and bought a lot of grose binge food and chips and gravy....then snuck down to the river bank where not many people are and scoffed the food....then resorted to the public toilets to purge....feeling so sick and exhausted after this went home and slept for 2 1/2 hours...

Right now im feeling sick, tired, ashamed, dissappointed, i have sore ears sore throat bloated....just feel disgusting!

Where do i go from here? i feel lost...

This morning I had a relapse. I'd been 7 days, but I woke up this morning and I WANTED to binge. I made the choice that I was going to. It wasn't even one of those 'oh my god, i've got to binge right now' crazy urges. It was a 'I miss it, I'm going to binge today' choice.
So I went to tesco and bought lots of food on my credit card (a bad idea) and have spent the day bingeing. And I feel like shit.
Still, on the positive side, I did manage 22 binge free days this september which isn't too bad. And I'm going to write down on here just how CRAP I feel right now. And how fat and dirty and disgusting, so that I never forget

(how ironic is it that on the tv right now they're advertising 'you could be flushing your money down the drain', prevent damage- buy calgon and reduce limescale...)
x

OK, so I made it to day 6 - again. I got my kids back today and again, started binging after dinner for no reason! I don't have any clue what set it off. But oh, the pain! I think even in 6 days my stomach has shrunk - I couldn't eat as much as I normally would.
I'm so upset with myself! I don't know if I had been so worried about today that I stressed myself into a binge or if my trigger is somehow connected to eating with my kids. I seem to be having a week on week off relationship with bulimia as well as my kids.

So, I am SO determined that I will not B/P tomorrow and I will break the cycle.

Tomorrow is going to go well and I will work through this. I think I need to stop thinking about the days in advance and take each day, each hour as it comes. The next 6 1/2 hours will be B/P free because I will be asleep - then comes RPM, then kids soccer for 5 hours. I don't want to fall into the starvation trap so breakfast will slot in there somewhere...and because my phone will be in my pocket, BulimiaHelp will be a keystroke away...

OK, so I slipped. Time to pick myself up, dust myself off and breathe slowly. Repeat after me...I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!

I left the site for a while, because I felt I was doing extremely well and only purging perhaps once a week. Then when I realized I had gained weight, my clothes weren't fitting right.. I have been binging and purging almost daily again, I feel helplessly in the cycle again. If only I could stop without the weight gain, it is only 8lbs. but it makes me feel so uncomfortable in my skin.

I'm angry at myself. I keep on messing up despite all the hard work in the structured eating program. I do eat 3 good sturdy meals a day. I'm vegetarian, so I do try to increase the consumption of protein in each meal/snack. I've lost a little bit of that 'primal' fear towards -healthy- fats. Now I drink whole milk, some butter here, some cheese there, some nuts sprinkled in my fruit. I eat at least 10 portions of veg and fruit a day, etc. All good. Supposedly it should fucking work.

Now, in the night. 10 pm. A bell rings in my brain, wherever the stupid ED comes from, the spawn of my despair. Last night was truly horrible. 10 pm. Recurring time; usually I try to go to bed. But I couldn't sleep. I had been (hu)-a-ngry again: my husband had been provoking me, stirring my inner lava of fears and frustrations. Menacing with taking away my sonny, and rendering my mother in law into his "new mother". He knows a bit about this, my ED, but I'm scared that he could realize I've been relapsing. He will use it -as a pretext of mental illness and unsuitability for motherhood- when the custody battle gets on.

Then I binged. Very nasty binge. Uncomfortable, stupid. It was 12 pm, I had been holding the impulse for nearly two hours. Earlier in the week I had two "moderate binges" but didn't purge. That was my intention last night. Face the consequences of my wrongdoing. I went to bed. It was 2pm that I felt physically sick. Not so much worried about getting rid of calories, but my stomach couldn't hold the food I had there for almost 1, 1 1/2 hours. It was refusing to digest it. Then I did it, couldn't help it. It was very easy. It had never been that easy and that scared me. It came like a flood of guilt that despite the water, hasn't been flushed away. There was a lot of acid, that gave me a burning feeling for the rest of my wakeful night. That's right. I didn't sleep. I couldn't.

Right now i feel more disgusting about my body than i have in months. I have also had more problems with keeping my eating in line in the past few months since i somewhat got a grip on myself.

I'm afraid im regressing. I'm afraid i will get very depressed again and most of all i'm afraid of gaining back the weight i lost from hard work of eating without bingeing and purging. I was normal and i don't think i'm there anymore.

Ahh i don't like feeling gross .. But i will not purge, despite that my new job bases everything off looks/body type