Bulimia Help

Wow, this is quite a moment for me. I figured this is the placeI can be open about anything and what I'm about to say may sound gross so if you might not want to read the following.

Okay, so this is TOTALLY embaressing, but I know I can trust all of you guys! ^_^ I have always had this problem when I first began to be bulimic and even before then when I was really dealing with my binge eating disorder.

I have this problem that I miss being gagged.

Like, for example, I liked it when the person I was with, even before my husband, would gag me either with a ball, or something else.

When I was driving on my way to work (i had low fat milk and a banana for breakfast. YUM!) all I could think about was sticking my hand down my throat. I wanted to be gagged so badly. I used to do self axfixiation (sp?) which basically means choke myself and also have someone choke me. I have since then quit doing that because of how dangerous it can be.

My background: I was sexually abused by my grandma's boyfriend. My father is bipolar and was very abusive to me as a child so could this have something to deal with it?

Another thing on a weird note, I have been having dreams about hanging myself???

I am feeling sad and having a hard time loving myself right now. I know that while I am working to believe in my own strength, a relationship is not what I should be looking for, I need to find love for myself without the dependence on a man. Yet, why am I feeling so sad and hurt right now?

Here's the situation: there is this guy I hang out with every once in awhile, has been going on for about 2 years now, after I broke u with my last wretched boyfriend. Anyways, basically we never had anything serious, mostly had sex really, went to a movie and dinner may be twice. I think for both of us it has been confusing, wanting to have someone casually there to hangout with when we need some affection and attention. I'm not sure if I would have wanted a relationship from him, and yet a part of me is so hurt that he never has. I think sometimes he thought about it, would plan a date with me, but then would back off again. Then often i felt so ugly and fat that I would cancel plans with him a million times, not really letting myself get close to him.

So this weekend, he's been texting me, asking me to come over, and I've been too busy feeling fat and going out with friends. So today, I ask him if he wants to hangout tonight, or next weekend, and he texts, "Sorry Erin but I can't see you anymore, I enjoyed the physical chemistry we have but I can't see you again. Don't take it person. You deserve a great guy who loves you and treats you like a woman. you're super sexy and funny, so it should be easy...You may think it's stupid but I'm experiencing a time of personal enlightenment. I can'thave any casual sexual relations at this time. Trust me, sex with you is fantastic, but the longer it drags on the more out of touch I am with finding a loving relationship."

I am happily married to my husband. However, every time I go through these phases when I am wanting to binge and purge, I think about cheating on my husband??!?! I hate that, because I am scared that I might do it one day. It's only when I am having a really hard time, like I had been drinking heavily, or b/ping heavily. Other times, it never even crosses my mind. I think its because with him, he does not care how I feel about myself. He loves me and my body no matter what, it kills me to think that someone could love me like that!

When I was single I slept around a lot. I am ashamed and am glad I never got a disease. I felt so used during it and I felt like that's what I deserved. Has this carried on into my marriage?

Can anyone help me??!?!?!?

I hardly ever feel like sex cuz i feel like my body is repulsive with strech marks ,and just fat ,big legs ,20 bellys the lot,he says he loves my body but i think how can u ,i even ask to turn the ligths out to have sex sum times its horrible cuz he has a high sex drive its unfair on him,but what can i do, bulimia is controlin all my life in every way its mental tourture,its a sad and lonely adiction ,but this site is amazing all u ppl on here are such a confidence boost xx

becky xx