Bulimia Help

I have two family members that we are basically waiting for them to die. It is enevitable. They don't even know who we are anymore. They just sit there and slowly fade away....
My husband has not had a death in his family yet in his lifetime. One of them is his great grandmother. He loves her so much and all we can do is sit and talk to her but she does not ever know we are there.
Its the same for my uncle. It's so sad to watch and I have to be the strong one because I know how to handle this.
That was.....until I found out my husband is getting laid off. He has only a couple of weeks left and I am so scared because I don't know if we are going to be able to afford our bills. I am so scared and I dont know how we are going to survive. How am I supposed to deal with this when I am having to start preparing for when they die to help set up their funerals!!?!?!?!?

I know God is supposed to only give as much as I can handle, but I dont think I can handle this right now!!!!! During my lunch break and took a quick swig of whiskey. It was a bad thing to do because all I wanted to do is b/p after that. So...I just sat there and waited to go back to work.

I just don't know what to do....

Today i moved to my new flat. I didnt have a great journey, but i really noticed how anxious i was getting. It was good to see objectively that the traffic etc was making me stressed, rather than stick my head in the sand and look for a way to block it.- the whole stopping to think stage (ie: before a meal) is benefiting me in other areas of my life.

PS: i was home alone tonight and while i did consider that it would be possible to binge...i didnt get close...and i didnt eat junk (despite my flatmate making cup cakes). Also, i avoided possible over-eating in the morning by buying bread instead of cereal (which a. i seem to have a weakness for and b. can be very easy to over do and c. easy to purge).

i dont get why my opinion is of less value in my family. dont they realise how it affects my self esteem when im ignored and what i have to say dismissed or overruled! Uck!
This isnt helping my stress levels.
How can i keep trying to get better when everytime it seems i get one part of my life in control, another spirals down!
on the plus side, havnt purged in about a week.
So gap from purging now filled with family conflict. great.
if only we could recover in a bubble :(

I've been paying more attention to how I'm feeling and my thoughts about food this week, and I've noticed that my reaction to to stress is affecting me differently than I previously thought.
I'm sure I'm not alone on this one.
When I get stressed about something negative (an arguement, an unexpected bill, running out of cereal), I slip into a a negative mode of thoughts and emotions that automatically focuses me on wanting to binge.
Thinking about it, at the core of it is a feeling of being out of control, I'm suddenly not in complete command of my life and it sends me into panic. The need be in control is fueling my binge, as this adds to the feeling of being completely out of control ... but this part is able to be easily brought back under control by purging. Even when the binge doesn't occur, I seem to feel like I am gaining control over things by purging, because I'm controlling that part of the world.

Does anyone have anything similar, or some ideas on how to get through this? It seems to be my worst trigger and I would realy appreciate you thoughts!

Thanks.
XXX

I am so mad at myself, I was doing great for weeks and then i slipped up an b/p once, and again the next day, and now six times today! Im so stressed I work seven days a week and go to school, Im so tired! But I have to pay bills so I have no choice.....It started today when my boss called and asked me if I could work more, i felt like I couldnt say no...and I spent all day ( the only time all week I had off) B/p and that really sux, cuz I could have chosen to use my time to see my brothers and sisters, or go to the beach or something. Its like why am I working so much if i just waste money on food? I felt so insatiable, then sick, then insataible again, I feel like a monster. I think the insatiable feeling is worse then the pukeing sick feeling. I HATE THROWING UP!!!! IT HURTS!!!! Every part of this sick cycle feels awful! Why do I do it? I even did it at work, I think being tired and stressed are triggers for me, I have to let this go......Thanx for letting me rant

I feel so bad about myself, i was doing great untill the day before yesterday when I b/p once, then again yesterday and today. The gross thing is I ate a whole box of macaroni and cheese, and I put to much pepper on it and it tasted awful, but I kept eating it any way, it tasted horrid and I dont understand why I would even want to eat it. Nothing about the situation made me feel good in any sort of way, so why did I do it? Its like a monster takes over my body and once I start I cant stop. I feel discusting. And bloated. My throat hurts and I have horrible stomache acid.

There is no food in this house. Not even worthy of puking. But I have managed to do so the passed few days.

I want to purge sooo badly right now. I feel so out of control of myself tonight. I even went ot get my hair trimmed and had the lady throw in some new bangs to make myslef feel different in hopes it would make the feelings go away...no luck.
I should have known it wouldn't help. I feel out of control like my nerves are dancing and I binged to feel more stable it didn't help. I feel so out of control.
does any one know that feeling?
My nerves are on edge from holding back I've been to the kitchen twice already. Why is it sooo hard to control myself tonight. i have been doing so well, even eating less than I should this past week, I was feeling great and then something triggered me today.
I hate this. Why is it so hard to be normal?
How do other girls do it, pull off eating a normal size meal like its nothing and then not worry about it.
I feel alone. I called my mom she is the only one I can talk to about this.
I got a lecture on how beautiful I am and how I need to learn to accept compliments and just relax. I also got the whole nobodies perfect and i need to stop setting such high standards for myself. It was no help. Nice but I think it made it worse.
I am such a perfectionist.
Help.

OK- it is now only 3 days until my exams. I am pretty much not revising. Thursday is a hard day for me at the moment, in that I have my group session and so spend 2 hours actually talking and hearing about this stuff that I would rather not deal with. I find the emotions and the anxiety associated with my exams so hard to cope with that I want to binge and I want to feel ok and feel good- even for a minute- the sweet satisfaction of the satisfaction of the sweeties followed by the shameful satisfaction of getting it out. It just blocks out the feelings for a few minutes- but then they come back.

Its funny- even blogging this here, means I get some perspective. I know that if I do give in to this addiction then I will get those benefits initially; but I also know from past experience that it is just going to make me feel rubbish and all messed up and anxious that I havent purged it all. So Im not goinh to do it (this time) but does that mean that I have to face the anxiety and stressed emotions? Well if i dont they will just rise again when I am weaker- tired- whatever....