Bulimia Help

Il est trois heures trente minutes du matin. J'ai des devoirs - un essai final et un livre de notes - dû demain et j'ai fait absolument rien tout le soir sauf ne fait un désordre de ma salle de bains purgeant la nourriture tout à fait bonne et nutritive que je suis pas mal avec le fait de manger.

Je crois vraiment que ma terreur du fait de rater d'uni est 3000 % legit à ce point.

(Yes, for my own sanity I've decided to post blogs in French or German. No, I don't really speak those languages, but it helps cut down on the massive cringe-attack I get from writting about myself, so.)

I don't quite know where to begin. I'm seeing two counselors, returning to a job (which is an hour away from where I live), beginning my last year of college (17 credit hours), and meanwhile working on this goddamned eating disorder.

I hate my Job. It's official.

I'm feeling so stressed I just want to cry ALL of the time. When I arrive at work, the moments before I get out of the car seem like an eternity yet they aren't long enough.

I'm currently training to be a teacher. I officially graduate from the course on the 1st of July and in fact the signing off is even sooner than that and yet I still entertain the thought of throwing away the entire year because I feel like I can't even handle the rest of this week at school. Don't get me wrong I love teaching! I love standing infront of a class and planning exciting activities to make lessons more fun and interesting -I love all of that... but... my school is such a difficult one. They were nearly on 'special measures' due to low grades and poor behaviour.

Lessons where I can actually teach even half of what I plan during my evenings occur once in a blue moon, and more often than not I am left standing in a classroom trying to control 12 zoo animals whilst tieing myself up in guilty knots over the frustrated faces of 18 students who want to learn but know that it'll never happen. Not whilst I'm having to spend precious time splitting up fights and preventing little pyromaniacs from setting the school on fire.

I go home every day feeling like such a failure. 'Another crappy day of lessons'. I constantly feel like crying. And as though that wouldn't be enough it's making me binge. I've come so far in my recovery, even feeling better about myself and my body and yet after a day like that I have an overwhelming urge to b/p -as if I deserve to feel even worse!

Why does bulimia make me such a horrible person to me?

Ed loves this game, the game of "let's find all your faults." There are hundreds of thousands of faults I can find with myself, yet when I try to think of the positive, the list barely reaches ten.

I am so screwed right now. I have to finish one essay tonight and it's already 11:00 with, literally, four more to write tomorrow. These frickin essays count for 400 test points, and will dictate my final grade in this wonderful AP English class. Ed loves this all too much. I'm so stressed out, and mom just bought a Costco sized chocolate chip bag, some of which I've already broken into. I know I should just tell her to keep it somewhere else, but idk, just don't want to (Ed doesn't want to) Ed knows when I'm stressed like this, I'll turn to food for comfort, not friends, not family, not music, not true support. Just fat, sugar, carbs, and all that crap. He knows I'll turn to him, not my true friends, the ones who I should be trusting. I know I can't trust Ed! Yet every time I do. When things get bad, I want to believe Ed so badly. What he says makes sense. (no it doesn't, no it doesn't) I feel like if I listen to him, I CAN be skinny and successful, and accepted by people I admire. (skinny is NOT beatiful, and certainly not the only way to succeed in life. Life is so much more than that) This is so hard :( I don't want to be mature anymore, I don't want to be strong. I don't want to try.

Well hello Mr. Lazy, how are you this lovely evening?

It's been pretty stressful at school, full of hastily finishing late homework and catching up with friends. I got to talk to my counselor for 30 minutes or so today, but I'm not sure how much it is helping. Even though I talked to my counselor today, I came home and binged, not too terribly much, but I'm really full. Unfortunately my mom is making dinner now, and I really feel like I should purge but I know I shouldn't....guess I'll have to eat until I'm even more stuffed. Super =P

This is my first blog here, wowie. I love writing blogs, I've had several in the past. So where am I? Hmm.. I suppose really this blog I should introduce myself a little bit to everyone here.

My name is Hannah, I'm 17, turning 18 this August (exciting!), I'm a college student, in the UK, wales, I'm dyspraxic, a vegetarian, Christian, insomniac and have been recovering from an eating disorder for the last 18 months. It has been the most epidemic whirlwind I have ever faced my entire life. I've been in therapy, out of therapy, diagnosed bulimic, depressive, etc.

What happened that I turned to bulimia to deal with life? Well, I was abused as a child for several years by my Father, physically and emotionally and was told that it was normal and that I deserved it, not daily. My father is also a depressive, my uncle committed suicide when I was 10. My grandma natural on my Dad's side, was paranoid schizophrenic, and murdered before I was even born. On top of all of that, my Dad's foster parents, the people who I previously percieved to be my grandparents for most of my life, well my grandma got cancer and died, and then my grandpa refused to speak to us ever ever again.I was bullied severely throughout school from the ages of 5-16, by several people. I had NO Self esteem whatsoever, as you can imagine. And when I was in year 11 at school, age 15, girls at school took pictures of me on the toilet, I had been bullied for years.

I had a job interview this morning, and I woke in a bad state - it was raining and I was tired... I was almost about to sleep in, or at least I heard the voice that said that.

I did get up though, and admittedly I binged, in a way, on a lot of cabbage, and I'm not terribly proud of resorting to that to deal with my nervousness and feelings, but this is LOADS better than even last week. I feel like I don't even remember what my usual b/p is like, and this has a lot to do with scrutinizing every time I *did* do it to watch for triggers and to be on my guard around them. I know that exhaustion and job stress are two of mine, so I think on some level I wasn't surprised when this happened. But when I ate perfectly normally there was always a time here and there when all I wanted to do was crunch on vegetables to work off some excess nerves, and... anyway, it felt almost normal, almost.

I'm still lost, and I'm still sad. I came home from the interview and cried and had a really hot shower and called my mom. But then I painted for a while and played nice indie pop and made a date to hang out with good friend I haven't seen in a while... I can't believe that only last week I was really concerned about escaping bulimia. For a moment there this morning I felt a small flutter, that urge to run to the bathroom... but it fluttered away and I stayed in control. I feel like I haven't been the one running my life the past 5 months and it's going to take some time to feel strong again, but anyway... one day at a time.

Things that have been helping:
~ taking out books at the library on Bulimia Recovery
~ asking for support from my mom, my best friend
~ letting myself gain a couple pounds. I feel happier and stronger already.
~ eating a lot of potassium rich food, like bananas, kiwis and tomatoes.
~ thinking about how much smarter I am when I'm NOT doing myself brain damage by b/p.
~ gorgeous people: Kate Winslet, Scarlet Johannsen, Amber Benson !

I have two family members that we are basically waiting for them to die. It is enevitable. They don't even know who we are anymore. They just sit there and slowly fade away....
My husband has not had a death in his family yet in his lifetime. One of them is his great grandmother. He loves her so much and all we can do is sit and talk to her but she does not ever know we are there.
Its the same for my uncle. It's so sad to watch and I have to be the strong one because I know how to handle this.
That was.....until I found out my husband is getting laid off. He has only a couple of weeks left and I am so scared because I don't know if we are going to be able to afford our bills. I am so scared and I dont know how we are going to survive. How am I supposed to deal with this when I am having to start preparing for when they die to help set up their funerals!!?!?!?!?

I know God is supposed to only give as much as I can handle, but I dont think I can handle this right now!!!!! During my lunch break and took a quick swig of whiskey. It was a bad thing to do because all I wanted to do is b/p after that. So...I just sat there and waited to go back to work.

I just don't know what to do....

Today i moved to my new flat. I didnt have a great journey, but i really noticed how anxious i was getting. It was good to see objectively that the traffic etc was making me stressed, rather than stick my head in the sand and look for a way to block it.- the whole stopping to think stage (ie: before a meal) is benefiting me in other areas of my life.

PS: i was home alone tonight and while i did consider that it would be possible to binge...i didnt get close...and i didnt eat junk (despite my flatmate making cup cakes). Also, i avoided possible over-eating in the morning by buying bread instead of cereal (which a. i seem to have a weakness for and b. can be very easy to over do and c. easy to purge).

i dont get why my opinion is of less value in my family. dont they realise how it affects my self esteem when im ignored and what i have to say dismissed or overruled! Uck!
This isnt helping my stress levels.
How can i keep trying to get better when everytime it seems i get one part of my life in control, another spirals down!
on the plus side, havnt purged in about a week.
So gap from purging now filled with family conflict. great.
if only we could recover in a bubble :(