Bulimia Help

Going to the supermarket can still be a big deal for me in my Recovery, but it's something that I'm getting better at doing regularly now without freaking out. Problem is, what to do when you're at home and you have a full pantry??

This might sound weird, but to me, the food has a presence.

I can FEEL the food in the pantry.

I know it's there!!

I know if I bought muesli bars, or almonds, or yogurt or rice thins or peanut butter, and that they are in the cuboard/fridge. And I can't stop thinking about the fact that they are there when I'm at home. Especially if they are triggering type foods.

Because they make me nervous, I just want to get rid of them. This usually involves either picking at them, throwing them out, or binging. Just to get them out of the house.

Then I feel calm and can concentrate on doing other things.

This week I threw out in the bin a whole heap of food, just because I knew it was either that, or I would binge so that it would be gone. But I felt soooo guilty for being wasteful.

Does anyone else ever feel like this? That you can't possibably concentrate knowing that you have a bar of chocolate or whatever in the back of the cuboard?

Any tips or advice?

I have to try work this out- as I have to have SOME food in the house. And it is an important part of recovery to be able to shop and have food around you.

I very much dislike the new layout of this site. I am unsure as to why, but quite a LOT of entries from others mention numbers, foods, calories or binge foods. Its very discouraging for me to try to read and get help and have nothing to turn to! I would like to have the old site back or an explanation as to why the support system and ways to recover that Allie (the woman who started this site) used to have up have disappeared, and now everything written is only from members. It doesnt feel like there is a leader here, a person who is recovered who is able to light the path to seeing what is going on behind the posts here. Please would someone explain to me what happened to the old site? Im very discouraged by all the food mentions and triggers.
Thank you!

I dont know what i really want to write. I just have felt like im not worthy of writing this and no one would care but i know i need to start loving myself because i turn to food for love. whenever my boyfriend tells me how great i am i get scared because i think about how silly he is for thinking that and know that sooner or later he will figure out im just nothing. i know i need to stop thinking this but i dont know how.

also, i feel like alot of my friends are triggers and in a time i need them the most we are drifting apart. they always talk about how fat they are and the biggest one weighs 10 kilos less than me. they are always drinking which i know i cant do yet because i will b/p

i didnt go to school or talk to any of them today or yesterday and they didnt even say anything and this makes me sad. i know some of them atleast care but yeah.. its embarrassing.

my only two true friends are pretty good. but one has got some seriopus problems of her own so i feel bad venting to her always and she lives 4 hours away. my boyfriend who listens alot and is great but who i dont feel comfortable talking to about how upset i am about my weight and what i eat is 4 hours away too. my other friend, i dunno, i just feel like all i do is complain to her and she doesnt know what to say and i feel bad.. i dunno.

i know what i need to do but it annoys me that i always forget my strategies before i binge then i just end up feeling shit trying not to purge. i dont want to purge or restrict or binge. i want to be healthy but i cant remember how to not binge.

After all this time... I just experienced a HORRIBLE trigger. I've been doing SO well about sticking with an eating plan, reintroducing "forbidden" foods, and exercising regularly. It's been a tiny bit over a month behavior free. I was feeling good.

Then I weigh myself. Bad bad bad bad idea. I want nothing more than to restrict right now. NOTHING more. Which I know will lead to a b/p at some point, then I will spiral out of control again. My boyfriend thinks I'm crazy, and insists that it's no big deal. He says, "I think you look just the same as always!" He doesn't know the deal.
The scale and the fit of my clothes are not lying to me. I feel it. I blew it off before, chalking it up to recovery bloat, but now I can't. It's all I can think about. I don't know how to work out any more than I have been with how much I work.

To make matters worse, I'm going on vacation this weekend and I have to get into a bathing suit. I don't know what to do. I'm utterly blown away.

Ed loves this game, the game of "let's find all your faults." There are hundreds of thousands of faults I can find with myself, yet when I try to think of the positive, the list barely reaches ten.

I am so screwed right now. I have to finish one essay tonight and it's already 11:00 with, literally, four more to write tomorrow. These frickin essays count for 400 test points, and will dictate my final grade in this wonderful AP English class. Ed loves this all too much. I'm so stressed out, and mom just bought a Costco sized chocolate chip bag, some of which I've already broken into. I know I should just tell her to keep it somewhere else, but idk, just don't want to (Ed doesn't want to) Ed knows when I'm stressed like this, I'll turn to food for comfort, not friends, not family, not music, not true support. Just fat, sugar, carbs, and all that crap. He knows I'll turn to him, not my true friends, the ones who I should be trusting. I know I can't trust Ed! Yet every time I do. When things get bad, I want to believe Ed so badly. What he says makes sense. (no it doesn't, no it doesn't) I feel like if I listen to him, I CAN be skinny and successful, and accepted by people I admire. (skinny is NOT beatiful, and certainly not the only way to succeed in life. Life is so much more than that) This is so hard :( I don't want to be mature anymore, I don't want to be strong. I don't want to try.

Well hello Mr. Lazy, how are you this lovely evening?

After a great deal of self reflection and learning all the wonders recovery has had to teach me over the past nine, nearly ten months, I thought this was a really important issue to blog about.

Learning to live around triggers, whether that is being around binge foods, around friends who try to feed you junk 24/7 or being around 'diet' or 'fat' talk is so hard. Like nearly all of the posts I come accross here I used to put the blame on others. I used to get so angry at my friends for bringing around binge foods, for tempting me to eat when I was trying to stick to my meal plans, for talking about diets and weight loss. I used to blame my friends a lot of triggering me.

But on this journey I realised that is something we all just have to stop doing. I know some people will avoid friends or social situations to get away from these triggers, but honestly that's not life. We need to find new ways to deal with these things, because they will ALWAYS be around, and if we're going to slip up and blame others every time what kind of life is that?

I've found making myself accountable has really helped. The inital two binge relapses I had I blamed friends (and alcohol) for, I was so angry with them. I never would have binged if they didn't bring all that food around and so on.

THIS IS WRONG

While yes we have to stop blaming ourselves we must also stop putting the blame on others. It was not my friends fault when I had that major relapse at the start of the year, I was still learning abut recovery, I was putting myself under a lot of pressure, I was 'missing' bulimia, but getting over an addiction/mental illess however you look at it is so hard, there will always be set backs, slip ups and relapses for a time. The most important thing is to start living in this world, if we never face these difficult situations how on earth will we learn to overcome them?

ok so if i have identified a certain type of food as being a trigger for binging, that i cant ever only eat in small amounts should i try 2 avoid this completely.. but surely that is restricting and will cause more binges?? i'm very confused...

One second is all it takes for everything to change; to go from good to bad.

I'm lying on my bed, feeling half conscient although being wide awake; the numbness is taking over. My vision is blury, my throat is sore. I don't wanna look into my mirror; I know how puffy my eyes are, how swollen my glands are: I can feel it. Funny how you can feel nothing and everything at the same time. I just wish a could disappear, just for a moment.

B/p hangover its called.
So tired, but cant sleep.

I thought I had made it through the day; ate my two snacks and three meals. Everything was perfectly fine, I was feeling positive, confident and proud of myself. Then I went out at a shisha bar with some close friends, good plans in perspective.
... Untill they started asking. Asking questions. Too many questions. Questions I dont wanna answer, cuz I actually dont have the answer. And talking. Talking way too much. Talking about shits I'm trying to forget, mistakes I did for which I'm feeling guilty. But I guess there are times when you cannot escape, facing the truth is the only remaining option. At that point, my head is spinning.

I'm sick of this. Sick of being a failure. Sick of being lost. Sick of disappointing people I love. Sick of hurting people. Sick of making mistakes. Sick of trying to be perfect. Sick of caring too much. Sick of those rumours, that I didnt want to start.
Cuz its my fault. At that point, guilt is taking over.

Got home. Opened the fridge. Ate a shit fkn load of food. Ran into the bathroom. Puked all I could. At that point, I have just destroyed all the efforts I made today.

Im really happy because Ive been FINALLY eating on a structured meal plan for 6 full days. Wow. AMazing. The big problem? I work at a gym and was supposed to be working these last 2 weeks. I, in a state of depression and having a terrible bout of the flu, slept and became really depressed, finally deciding to do something about this bulimia and started fresh on December 28th. So its good. But I dont know what to do. My boyfriend and I just moved into a new place Dec 15, its wonderful, and hes the best support EVER. I am so blessed. The problem is that Im supposed to go to work Monday, back at the gym. I dont think its a good idea as the new job that I just got a promotion for entitles me to work odd hours 5 days a week, for example: Mon 11-9 Tues 1-10 Wed 8-6 Thurs off Fri off then 12-9 Sat and 8-4 Sunday. It changes every week so youre never really sure of when youll be off so its almost IMPOSSIBLE to plan meals. I dont know what to do. I want to find something different, but we need the money. I have enough saved so that Januarys rent and bills are taken care of, but its SO TOUGH to not feel like Im contributing something financially. My boyfriend thinks I shouldnt go back, that I should fess up to my boss (who genuinely cares about and likes me) and tell her whats up. He says that my recovery has to come fist. I do know this, I just feel trapped and am afraid I wont find a better job. Stress from lack of job or money is not the reason I want to mess up my eating, but neither is working a job I absolutely HATE. I dont know. What do you think?

I am home for Christmas and have made it through almost 2 days b/p free. That is a huge success for me. When I am not b/p I am so triggered by whatever everyone is or isn't eating. I have been having breakfast, lunch, and dinner but no one else around me does. My mom and dad eat like birds the older they get. My grandma doesn't eat at all anymore and my granddad just brags all the time about how skinny he is. I just want to scream! When I am in my bulimia I am oblivious to what is going on around me because I am so into myself and my food. I also start thinking about the past a lot when I am not in my bulimia. I hate feeling all these feelings and I know that is why I like to b/p. I have got to find a healthier way of dealing with all of these emotions. When am I just going to let the past be the past???