Bulimia Help

During the midst of the commotion i had accidentally stumbled upon someone that had caught my eye. My friend worked at a local stater brothers and i would take her to pick up her pay checks every friday. each time i went, i always noticed one of the workers. For some reason he stuck out to me. He was seriously my definition of the perfect guy. He became my store crush for about a year. Each time i went id always try to catch a glimpse of him...always knowing it would lead me no where. He was a billion times out of my league and i was taken. chances of anything happening? ya they were pretty bad. Well i stopped taking her to get her checks so i stopped seeing him. Little did i know...he had been noticing me the whole time. When i stopped showing up he told his friend who also worked at the store if he knew me and that he liked me. Somehow this got to me and i was overjoyed. It was the only nice thing to happen to me all year. He started talking to me and was everything i could have ever wanted. My boyfriend at the time then told me how he cheated on me again. It was over and i dumped him. This new guy gave me a reason to smile, a reason to feel pretty, a reason to just live. He soon after asked me to be his girlfriend and we've been dating since new years. I would like to say my life is perfect......but i cant. Im still a bulimic and i cant stop. No one knows...not even my boyfriend. Im ridiculous. I will throw up no matter what. If im at work, at home, someone elses home, at a restaurant...you name it ill throw up there. Im trying to stop but i just cant. I know im at a healthy weight....i know im loved, but i cant stop....

I very much dislike the new layout of this site. I am unsure as to why, but quite a LOT of entries from others mention numbers, foods, calories or binge foods. Its very discouraging for me to try to read and get help and have nothing to turn to! I would like to have the old site back or an explanation as to why the support system and ways to recover that Allie (the woman who started this site) used to have up have disappeared, and now everything written is only from members. It doesnt feel like there is a leader here, a person who is recovered who is able to light the path to seeing what is going on behind the posts here. Please would someone explain to me what happened to the old site? Im very discouraged by all the food mentions and triggers.
Thank you!

I almost made it through three days of recovery... until the end of today. Why didn't I just go to bed? Why did I b/p? I was on such a roll. On my way to day four... then my friend Ed showed up and killed me. I hate Ed. I wish he would just die. Fucking asshole.
Seriously, I am so sick of this. I'm not going to have any energy and zero confidence tomorrow. Why do I keep doing this? It makes me feel good for about 10 minutes. I like the way the food tastes on bytes one and two.. then I taste nothing... I mind as well be eating wood chips. Then I purge.. which at first, feels like I'm helping myself.. by not absorbing the food... then I feel horrible. Worse than horrible, and no energy to boot. omg. I'm so ashamed :(

So, not the best couple of days. I've basically been binging non-stop, multiple times per day. Which feels awful in and of itself (after the fact, at least). Add that to the fact that, since my only method of "purging" involves restricting, which obviously can't happen if there's no break in the binging, I've gained a ton of weight. To the point where it's noticeable to other people. And the funny thing is, yesterday, I felt so hideous and fat that I couldn't stand to even go out to classes or see friends...so instead I hid in my room and ate more.

But today, I'm making a commitment back to recovery. I threw out my measuring tape and my scales. (Okay, the scales is actually just back in my closet. It was so very expensive. haha) I'm going to go out in public regardless of how horrid I think I look.

And I'm going to eat for my health, not to try and lose weight. Because as we all know, that only backfires. I am hereby letting go of the belief that I can just "go back to being anorexic" for a while and lose weight first, before I tackle normal eating. Because if I'm being honest with myself, that thought has always been in the back of my mind. Always the thought that, maybe being just a little eating disordered is okay, that since I enjoy the binge/restrict cycle so much, when I've got it "under control" (hah!) that it can be a part of my life. NO! That's so wrong. I know it, and I'm not going to let myself go back to that way of thinking. Because it's ruining my life- my friends, my studies, my finances, all of it.

So everyday i tell myself 'thats it im stopping i can eat normal and get over this' so for that one i day i will eat my 3 meals and fruit with out bping and i feel great! I convince myself i can get over it.
I wake up the next day feeling the same but at some point in the day it hits me and all i can think about its bping...so uncontrollably i start to binge, it feels as if i am possessed because once ive purged its as if i havent done it. Thats when the guilt kicks in and i wish i never did it; my throat kills, my nose is running, and i feel even worse.
Weekends are the worst and days where noone is home and i have the day off. I did have one day over the weekend where i binged a little and didnt purge but im guessing that was because my friend was here and although ive done in when my friends have been here before there was more of a chance she would notice.
I felt the same today...im going to kick this as i didnt bp yesturday but it happened again and im so angry at myself. Sometimes after bping i cant help but cry constantly...i just wish this would go away, its so hard i just wish there was someone i could go to who would understand but i dont think they will, im just glad of this website as its comforting knowing theres people who feel the same and are coping so well!

ive been so scared lately. my body is just insane. i gain weight so fast.. and i hate that fact. I HATE IT. but i know i have to be strong. cause im a girl.. thats what we do. or so everyone says. i wanna get out of this. be like any other girl who just eats everything she wants and stops after she knows shes satisfied. i wanna be free.

oh so not the best day today... i really wanted to get right back on track after last night. i feel like i didn't even try, i just went straight back to my old patterns & ate all day at work... came home, purged,

i was soooo bummed, was about to go for round 2... but i stopped and heard a different voice in my head... "no, i'm going to stop this right here" and instead - bloated and gross as i felt, went to the gym (not excessively as another form of purging can i add....). trying to make myself have a little something as a token dinner, just to try and get back into structured eating.

it's hard not to beat myself up, as much as i can say it's not all black and white, and at least i turned it around at the end of the day, and i'm gonna get back on track tomorrow..... it's a whole nother thing to really believe it.

Hi everyone,
I have just joined the website and thought I would introduce myself.I am 23 years old and have been suffering from Bulimia for almost three years. I got better for a while but have had a major relapse and I am feeling rock bottom. Everyday I wake up and tell myself I am not going to binge and I am back in that cycle again where it isnt stopping. I am really down and soo tired, my skin has gotten worse too. I have managed to stop before for 4 months and I am so angry at myself for letting this happen again. I am so glad that I have found this website and I hope I can speak with people who understand exactly what it is like.

I dont know where to start....one day im fine, i will eat anything then the next im bingeing and purging more than ever and evan almost getting suicidal!?!?!?!

I had 3 days in a row off since my habit started 6 months ago thats the longest....it felt good but then i fell off the wagon and so it started all again...

I feel like im a failure. that im worthless. that i cant achieve anything i set out to do...

Ive been making alot of guy friends lately...and have been hanging out and i kissed 2 of them...but my ex bf is messaging me saying he heard i was having sex with everyone in town....
So now i feel so horrible...i have done nothing wrong....its so upsetting that he is trying to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit!! He wanted to split and now cant handle it if i wana be with someone else. i just dont get it..he is a manipulating controlling asshole! I almost did something stupid to myself last night and was in hysterics cause i never thought i would feel like doing that...and so i called my good friend Isaac and he talked me out of it...comforting me and making me feel better...

I am just so pissed off that ive been to see the psychologist 3 times now and were still not getting anywhere with the therapy!!!And it also doesnt help that my next appointment is in 3 weeks time! shes figured out that i am a perfectionist...and have a obsessive compulsive personality...I have severe anxiety, mild depression and severe stress....I just feel like a wreck and want to go on a deserted island and live by myself away from reality. It sucks!

So i dont know what to do? ive tried smaller amounts of food coz if i eat too much i feel like its "all or nothing" and it then turns into a binge...but that hasnt worked..coz then i get hungry and am too lazy to eat healthy stuff so i binge on shit...

Does anyone know what i should do?????

Well, I ate a lot of crap for lunch... I tried to keep it all down, but that didn't happen. I haven't been doing that bad...I will just chalk this up to a weak moment.

I forgot how crappy you feel. My throat is killing me. Yuck.

I have been gaining weight and I just feel disgusting. I feel myself choosing bad foods to make me feel better and I wont over do it, but I wont purge it either. I am using food to make me feel safe, secure, happy, less lonely, less stressed and its not fixing anything. Then I weight myself and see I have gained weight and I just start beating myself up all over again.

I want to just be able to have a healthy diet that I could stick to and feel good about. Losing a few pounds would be nice. I have never been small, that's for sure.

Things have been stressful in my marriage, work, school and family. I feel like I am getting hit from all directions. Food is the only thing that gives me any good feelings right now.

I got a referral to a ED counselor and I really think I need it. I am going to marriage counselor with my husband, but she isnt as focused on my ED as she is on only the problems I have in my marriage. I understand and I dont take it personally... believe me... I need her to focus on my marriage for that one hour a week!

I am going to call on Monday and get that going.

I just need to stop running to food to help me feel better and just start dealing with the things that are causing me to feel stressed. Ok... so I am going to get started on a shit load of reading for school. One step at a time. I cant get it all done at once.