Bulimia Help

I start work placement tomorrow. I feel physically ill. Oh god I would love a good b/p session right about now.
I have wanted to do social work for as long as I have been bulimic. How ironic, the person who needs help wants to stop others from harming themselves.
I had a best friend in high school named F (of course I can't put her name here). We were inseperable. Our friendship happened during the crucial growing up period, we discovered boys, we talked about our bodies and we spent all our free time together. Of course we fought like crazy too. Did I steal her guy or did she steal mine? Did I bitch about her behind her back? Was I hanging out with other people? It was a very intense friendship, although after every fight we would inevitably be best friends again within a day. A month before our final exams we had a fight and I didnt hear from her for a couple of days. I stubbornly held back from calling her too. She didnt come to school that week. And when I finally gave in and tried calling her there was no answer. Her parents wouldnt put her on the phone. I was confused and upset. My teacher saw this and told me the truth finally. I think it got her into trouble but I was thankful for the breach of confidentiality. F had attempted suicide. My innocent world came crashing down. I spent every waking hour I had trying to think of ways to reach out to her. I would visit her after school although she would hide and I would never get to talk to her. I wrote her letters about what was going on, about school and about wanting my best friend back. I finished her design project so she had something to get marked on the final day of exams. I left her messages on her phone every other day. I made sure she knew she had support and that I would always be there for her. When she finally did call me months later, I went straight over. I didnt think twice.
Her grandmother told me that if it werent for me she doesnt think F would have made it through her depression.

This is my first blog here, wowie. I love writing blogs, I've had several in the past. So where am I? Hmm.. I suppose really this blog I should introduce myself a little bit to everyone here.

My name is Hannah, I'm 17, turning 18 this August (exciting!), I'm a college student, in the UK, wales, I'm dyspraxic, a vegetarian, Christian, insomniac and have been recovering from an eating disorder for the last 18 months. It has been the most epidemic whirlwind I have ever faced my entire life. I've been in therapy, out of therapy, diagnosed bulimic, depressive, etc.

What happened that I turned to bulimia to deal with life? Well, I was abused as a child for several years by my Father, physically and emotionally and was told that it was normal and that I deserved it, not daily. My father is also a depressive, my uncle committed suicide when I was 10. My grandma natural on my Dad's side, was paranoid schizophrenic, and murdered before I was even born. On top of all of that, my Dad's foster parents, the people who I previously percieved to be my grandparents for most of my life, well my grandma got cancer and died, and then my grandpa refused to speak to us ever ever again.I was bullied severely throughout school from the ages of 5-16, by several people. I had NO Self esteem whatsoever, as you can imagine. And when I was in year 11 at school, age 15, girls at school took pictures of me on the toilet, I had been bullied for years.

Hi All,

I'm curious as to what all of you do for work/school? I graduated with a business degree a couple years ago and somehow have gotten myself into a big mess. Most importantly, I think it's having a terrible impact on my ability to recover. Every day is extremely stressful, expectations are set at unreachable levels, and if I make a mistake I am treated like a misbehaving child. It's like I will never be good enough, and can never succeed and it wears on me every single day. Sometimes during busy times I work 60-70 hour weeks and basically have no life outside of work. When I get so stressed I often end up binging and become out of control, because I feel like my whole life is out of control. I hate work so much and I wish I chose another career path, but at this point it feels hopeless because I don't know how I could go back to school for something else at this point. I'm very creative and artistic and wish I had followed my heart in my career path. To make matters worse, I feel so empty and so un-fulfilled all the time that in the free time that I have (weekends when I am not drowning in work) I often spend them in self-hatred, misery, and b/p. I guess I'm just wondering if any of you have made changes to help in your recovery, and if you have any suggestions.

so today, after two whole weeks of not b/p, a binge came out of nowhere and took me out. i am going over today in my head, trying to find a trigger, the smallest reason, but i come up empty.
was just another normal day at work. started up with the bad habits not long after i got to work, too much coffee, which made me feel full and yuck, then started picking at things, then was left alone to close.
well, that was it. as soon as i was alone i started picking at things, things i would never usually go near. after doing this for a while i went to the bathroom to be sick. i hadn't locked the back gate of the cafe, and as i was making myself sick i heard someone walk in. terrified it was my boss i cleaned myself up and walked out shaking. it was a customer. relief. i told her we were closed, shut the door, and continued vomiting. my boyfriend wasn't there to pick me up yet, so i started picking at food AGAIN. then my boss really did walk in.. i had no reason to be at work, as i had finished nearly an hour earlier, there was food on the bench and vomit in the toilet. brilliant. i managed to get over my shock and say something about my bf running late, ran and cleaned the toilet and cleaned up.
i have no idea if she noticed anything, or thought it was suspicious. if you don't know about eating disorders, i guess you wouldn't really click. however i am now so ashamed. i don't want to be caught, i HATE this part of me, it is making me a liar and a theif and a coward and im SICK OF IT ALL!!!
i just want to be well.