Bulimia Help

I am looking forward to not making myself so full and having more energy and better skin and getting more organized in my life. Eating so much takes up a lot of my time.

Hi my name is Jess,

I have had bulimia for 5 years - I am reeeealllllly ready for recovery now... I need to be as my teeth are falling out and I have a continual puffy face and sore throat.

I am looking forward to not having anymore dentist appointments, no more waking up with baggy bloodshot eyes - no more making excuses after I eat and no more painful binging and purging.

I am looking forward to being healthy, having more money to spend on other things rather than food and not thinking about food 24/7! I want to enjoy time with friends and not be thinking about my weight or food - it's hassle and i am wasting my life..

Soooo bring on recovery...!!!!!

I can't wait to be free from bulimia...n just be normal

Its difficult to even put into words the awesome relief it would be not to have to think about food, to get life back on track, much less of a dent in my money and education, less of the lies and pretence, avoid looking like a Dickens extra (no teeth, one rolling bloodshot eye, gross skin-you know what im talking about) Be truly happy, with no dark shadow of EDs. Am actually quite exited now..

Excellent forum topic, am well motivated, hope you guys are too. x

hi! i'm anistasia.
i'm looking forward to having fun with people again!! and not lying all the time about what i was doing. and not dropping loads of money on binge food and not always having a bloated achy stomach.
I'M EXCITED TO LIVE AGAIN!!

I stumbled upon this site by accident - or was it an accident? I'd prefer to believe that I was shown the way to this site by some higher power.

I've suffered from bulimia on and off for five years. I've studied the illness inside and out to try to figure it out - why I got it, how it develops and most importantly - how to break free from it!!

I've tried many things to get better and get discouraged each time something fails. BUT - somehow I always manage to remain optimistic and I know instinctively that I will get better.

It's refreshing to see this site because there really isn't a lot of help out there and I'm realizing more and more that bulimia and other eating disorders are a global problem affecting more people than we realize.

Anyways, what I'm looking forward to with living life without bulimia is being calm, relaxed and able to have more fun and enjoy life instead of taking things so seriously. I think bulimia does that - it makes you take things like weight and body too seriously instead of laughing at ourselves and how silly our thoughts are!

I look forward to helping each other here.

We will ALL get better!

My name is Lea, I've been bulimic for four years and just yesterday I finally told my mom about it. I always wanted to tell someone, but I'd be too embarassed about it and secretly i didnt want to give it up. But Ive wanted to recover from this for so long, and I AM ready now. I want to be free from this, and live a life that is not consumed by thoughts of food or the way I look.

I know we are all better than this, and we shouldnt let this define who we are. We will get better, we need to support eachother.

my name is brittany
I've been fully bulimec for almost a year
i havent told anyone, except for a friend a while ago when it began. But I got scared and told her a few weeks later that I had stopped. We havent talked about it since.
For me, bulimia began when I would eat and then overexercise and I would get sick and vomit. It's not even that I am overweight. I am very thin, but I feel the need to purge to keep my thin figure. It has become a habit though, and I've began to self-induce purging. I've been very good at keeping it a secret.
Recently, however, I've began to over eating and then purging directly afterwards. I know it is a problem, but i Haven't had the strength to really decide to quit.
It also scares me because I haven mentustrated in almost five months. Is this because of the bulimia?
I still get adequate nutrition, and I've hardly lost weight during my bulimec period so far.
I fear it has spiraled into far too much of a problem, to the point where I purge, but don't necessarily binge before, up four times a week, sometimes more.
I am sure I can break this habit on my own though.

maybe you can do this on your own but it will be very hard. you need to ask for support maybe accountability. If your still purging you are not getting adequate nutrition. your electrolites and potassium could be unbalanced which is very dangerous for your heart. most likely you've lost your period due to bulimia. You should know that it's harmful even if you don't loose weight.

Your body needs to have a certain fat percentage in order for it to function, and menstruation will stop when it falls below that level as it affects hormone production!

Your body is very clever, if it’s under pressure to maintain a stable weight or if your weight drops below your set-point then your body will take further action to protect you.

Your body needs to reserve energy and does so by stopping menstruation– as this takes a lot of energy from your body. Once your body is back to its healthy weight set-point then you should see a return of your menstrual cycle. However, it’s very important to get a check up with your GP!!

Read about set-point theory.

hi im naomi im 16 and have secretly been belimic 4 3 years dont know if i can recover but im trying ....if andy really good tips please let me knowc:(

Hey all, I'm 17 and been Bulimic for more than a year now. I went from size 16 to 6 in less than a year, scary! i wanna stop it now. I'm looking forward to being me again. Someone who is not forever thinking about food, looking for food to binge on or sleeping with one eye open just in case my parents argue over where the food is. Having mia means having a lonely existence and I've had it with being so isolated from life. I want to live again.

Hi everyone! I am so happy that I was able to find an online resource where I could share my experiences and learn from others. Bulimia has changed who I am. It has made me self-conscious, tired, depressed, anxious and lonely. I have always been the good girl, the one who had it together. I've only told my boyfriend, councilor and doctor about my ED. It has also started taking its toll on my health. I still have hope that I can kick tis disorder and move on with my life. I look forward to talking to anyone I meet on this site :)

So I think I've been bullimic for off and on 3 years, (I just turned 19 last month)...but this year its been every day I've had to purge. Every day I wake up and tell myself I'm going to start up fresh. I've even kept a diary for a little while, but that was over a year ago. I can't wait to get rid of this disorder, to feel free again. Just like the rest of you, to not think about food all the time, spend money on food, and to rid of the secrecy that revolves around my second life. It started off because my friend needed to cut weight for Judo back in the day, and my other best friend was doing it to lose weight. I tried it and it worked. But now it's not doing anything except keeping a hold on me. My friends have all grown out of it... or atleast that's what I think. My sister caught me last month and wrote me a note telling me I should stop but shouldn't be ashamed... the thing is I've caught her doing it before? This disorder takes hold of lots of people... I'm glad I found this site to talk about it to other people.

Love, Ash

Hey all....my name is Janelle

I have been fighting this demon for about 5 years on and off. I am finally tired of waking up bloated ( swollen face/ puffy eyes and sore throat). Like all of you I am sooo ready to recover, and be normal again!!!! Some days I think why me? Why did i devlope such a painful ( physically and mentally) disorder.

J

I am here because two summers ago, on a vegetable farm in Pennsylvania, I relearned how use my body for all it's worth. Talking to people became easy again. I sang. I danced.

Then last fall, when I returned to my small college in the mountains of North Carolina, I began free-writing each evening, dancing regularly, and practicing my trumpet. At first, I struggled; I wanted to go back to the farm. I kept freezing up with stress. But, through talking to teachers, I learned to approach school assignments more objectively. I kept writing, I kept dancing, I kept making music--and eventually I found the forward-moving breath that makes plants grow and dogs howl and lovers ache. I learned grace. One day it just hit me; as I walked across the footbridge on campus, worrying about a big paper I was writing, I decided that I was just one red leaf on the surface of a river. All I had to do was pick up my feet and trust.

Then, last January, I began training for a contortionist act in my school's circus. I felt really good about my body for WHAT IT COULD DO. I worried less about how it looked. I also began eating regular meals, and being sure to get enough protein. I learned to love eggs for breakfast (sunny-side up, yolks that spill when pricked with a fork, salsa and sauteed onions). My weight stabilized. I had tons of energy. I began to really enjoy the challenge of completing assignments, and found personal connections in the schoolwork I did.

I grew so much last year. That's not to say I never binged and purged, because I did. But so much was better.
Now, so far I haven't explicitly mentioned my struggles with eating. Know, though, that I've had my fair share. You know the story: cold starving in high school, resulting bulimia, shame, exhaustion, the whole deal.

I have joined this website because here I am, in my third year of college, and I can't seem to find my way out of bad cycles. I feel so dismayed because I thought I'd made progress. I know, I know, I shouldn't expect perfection, and relapse is inevitable. Still, I worry that I've lost something. I want so badly to be a light in this world. I want to be a resource. I want to commit myself to service, to practicing passionate compassion. I want to inspire folks to grow real food. I want to teach dance and writing workshops in community gardens. I want to study with herbalists and learn permaculture. I want to live spiritually, realizing all life's interconnections, reveling in honest wild-woman zest and clear-seeing.

I know I can regain the growth. It's waiting. The shit composts, and beneath it all a seed germinates. Let's keep planting, ladies. Let's nurture ourselves and each other. Let's find the ways home.

I want to find myself, I want to be able to look in the mirror without judgement.
Let life mean more than a number on a scale that constant fluctuates.
I want to be able to keep the promises that I made with the people I love. && I want to stop harming the people I love by letting them watch me slowly harming myself!

I just want to stop being bulimic and be myself.

Hi,
My name is Michelle. I have been bulimic for 9 years. I was in therapy for a while and really made some progress. I was able to get to a point where I only binged/purged maybe once every 1-2 months. Then, I went back to school and sort of caved under the stress. Whenever I am fearful, anxious, or stressed (which seems to be most of the time), I have to put something in my mouth. I get the overwhelming urge to be eating, chewing, swallowing. I feel like I can't concentrate on anything (i.e. studying) until I eat. Then I waste time throwing up and feel guilty about that. I feel embarassed that I have let this go on so long. I want help, but I'm afraid of letting people see me so weak. I'm hoping that by talking to people who have the same disease, I won't feel judged and can actually start to heal myself.

I'm looking forward to not purging anymore through laxatives, vomiting, or exessive exercise. I'm also looking forward to balance. I can't wait to eat normally starting when I'm hungry and stopping when satisfied. I'm really looking forward to loving myself so that other people can love me and if I know they don't then thats ok. I'm looking forward to INDEPENDENCE!!! I can't wait to stop thinking about food 24/7.

Hey my name is susan and I've been bulimic for 2 years
BRING ON THE RECOVERY!! because I can't live with this anymore. I have't sought professional recovery, and I don't plan to anytime soon. My parents both know I have bulimia, but they don't support me- or they don't know how. I think they just don't know what to do anymore.
Hopefully, we can all be friends and help each other out??

I am Shon Michelle. I have been in recovery for self injury since January of this year ( I haven't cut since 9-25-08). I am really happy with my progress.

I didn't know I had an eating disorder...or wouldn't admit it until a few weeks ago. I thought my use of laxatives, fasting, and consuming energy drinks and pills to speed my metabolism was just normal teenage stuff. I know better now. Once I decided to be done with the "normal teenage stuff" things got worse. I have been preoccupied with food and my weight. It is just a complementary addiction to cutting.

Both addictions begun 4 years ago and I am determined to change. I don't want to be bulimic. I desire to live life with all the emotions that come with. Whether painful or joyful I want to feel without diluting it behind a fog of deprevation. I want to be the person God wants me to be... that person is whole... that person is content... that person is free!

Hello my name is Cara. i've be bulimic for 4-5 years now. The thing i am looking forward is the chance that maybe one day I will love myself. I am tired of thinking about food and weight all the time. I am tired of constant dissappointment. I need help. I don't want this to be part of me anymore...

Im new to this site so i just thought id say hi. i am ready for recovery now, more than ever before.

Hello my name is Anna and I have bulimia. I've been overweight/obese basically my entire life. Two years ago my bmi was about ***. So I decided to completely change my lifestyle... I exercised a ton and couldn't really change my diet because I was always hungry... It was prob. b/c of that reason that I felt 'guilty' about my diet and about 8 months ago (bmi=~***) I started to binge/purge a couple times a week... Now I feel like I'm lucky if I'm able to binge/purge only once a day. I still feel 'guilty' about my diet even though I have changed my exercise routine.. and these cravings are killing me, I'm soo scared that I will regain the weight. I've been depressed for about five months now.. and I'm losing all of my friends. Two days ago I was told I have 3 cavities when three months ago my teeth were perfect. I want a change :( (I'm sorry for the long post.)

I am 27 years old. Am married and have a beautiful daughter. Everything has been great in my life, high school, university, my husband, my daughter, my job, my parents. But all this time I have had the worst nightmare walking along hand in hand with me, bulimia...

I had been bulimic for over 9 years... it was the hardest thing I ever experienced. I couldn't stop doing that, every time I would say this is the last time, but that was till my next meal, then it all started again.
I stopped during my pregnancy, but then I started again.
I would never search the sites for information on what bulimia does to yourself, I thought that is normal, so what if I purged once or twice a day, nevertheless realizing I am harming myself badly. But this was over my powers and will. How many times I have sworn I would never do it, but I never kept my promises... till this summer when everything changed.
I started having some panic attacks thinking that I am dying. Visited doctors, but never told anyone about my ED. The last time I purged was July 2, 2008. I am not attached to it anymore. Now my fears are what bulimia has done to my body for over these years. I hope I can still survive from consequences. I pray to God to keep me alive for the sake of my family.
I realize now... so much I have missed and so much I could have done over all this time.
Best wishes to all, and may you have strength to overcome this terrible monster. You worth it, big time.
Love,
Rodica

My name is Connie. I have been bulimic on and off for over six years now.
What I am looking forward to most after recovering from my bulimia is to enjoy living again. To not wake up everyday hating life. I want to overcome my obsession with food and just eat to live. It's so hard. I want to feel good about myself.I want to stop isolating myself from my friends and family. I want to have fun again. Most of all I just want to be happy again.

Hi. I am 29 years old. Have no job. No life. I feel completely worthless and disgusting. I have been sick with ED since I was 15 or earlier. I throw away real relationships just to keep up with my alcoholism and bulimia. I don't feel that I have the energy for anything else. Everyday I feel like a zombie going to get a fix. If it weren't this shit it would be another addiction. Anyone else feel like that? I have been in and out of treatment. I don't want to be that person. Then I realize how old and useless I am becoming and wonder wether I can do this on my own. Only to find myself fail miserably. I can't afford treatment, on top of being kicked out of numerous treatment centers. So now I just seek friendship, understanding, and motivation. Anyone else relate?

YES. I feel like I go from one addiction to another. And that's what this is, mostly. I want to lose weight, of course, but for some perverse reason purging makes me feel better, takes away my anxiety. That's the same reason I drink and abuse drugs. I am incapable of having real reltionships, I'm a shitty friend and forget about romantic relationships. The only constant in my life is binging and purging. I don't know how to get out of this spiral. I feel like I'm trapped. I've only been bulimic for a year but I cannot stop it.

hello all

im 21 this year and ive been bulimic for about 5 years now.
my binges/purges have been spiralling out of control and now i feel i HAVE to binge everyday. hoping to meet some support buddies=)

One of my biggest concerns right now is how much time I have wasted. It has really begun to sink in lately that I only get this one body, one life. When this started in high school I thought I would "grow out of it." At 23 years old, I feel like this is ridiculous. I isolate myself from friends and social situations sometimes because of my very poor self-esteem. I am ashamed of the ways that I've hurt myself and lied to those around me. I have wasted countless time, money, opportunities and my precious health. I haven't b/p in one week. I haven't been able to concentrate on school or anything (and it is finals week). This has pretty much been the majority of my thought content for the past several years. Its unfortunate, and I really want to change.

My name is Anna,
I have been bulimic for 4 years now,
I have been talking to a therapist and trying to stop since early this year. However, I have only recently come to terms with the fact that I may have this and its still difficult to even describe myself as this. =\
Anyway, I want to get away from this (I think) and I hope this site helps distract me from my thoughts!

My name is adrienne i have been struggling with an eating disorder since i was very young. i want to be in full recovery. i have gained back weight in the past year (i went to treatment) and lately i find myself falling back into bingeing and purging in various forms. it scares me. i just want to be normal to eat 3 meals a day and not obsess over calories or think about how fat i am all the time (i know i am really not but that doesn't change my thoughts) any major event stresses me out and i go back to old behaviors. THis week is finals.

Hey to all! I've been bulimic off and on for about 10 yrs, recently hubby found out that I'm "on" again. He threatened to send me to rehab if I didn't stop -- I need tough love like that! Have 4 young kids and have to stay strong for them. Anyone struggling with alcohol issues too? They seem to be intertwined -- I've often tried to drink so I don't binge, but then I have little control when drinking, so it's just a big mess. But -- super excited to recover for good this time since I would never really admit to being bulimic. I knew I had a bit of an "issue", but I was never one of "those" girls, you know? Well -- I'm 100% honest now for the first time in my life. Feels great! Oh -- and my stomach doesn't hurt all the time, and my face isn't all puffy, and teeth don't hurt!
God Bless!

hi,
i have been struggling w/ bulimia on n off for 11 year. I am turning 26 tomorrow and i am ready to take the focuse off food in my life. I have 2 beautiful daughters n i want to be the best mom i can be. I need to take control and end this battle once and for all.

Hey!
I'm Kristina. I'm literally sick and tired of living with this disorder and I'm GOING to make a change. It's been a rough year of recovering and relapses, but no more!
It's really nice to meet you guys!

Hi all.

I am so glad I've found this site. It makes me feel supported already just knowing there are others out there in the same situation.

I am 26 years old and have suffered with bulimia for the last 3 years. I am in a loving relationship, have a number of very close and wonderful friends, a beautiful flat and am happy in my job. I don't even know why I do it anymore. I don't binge-eat, but I do purge after most evening meals. My boyfriend is a chef and so works most evenings. Left alone to my own devices I am incapable of keeping anything down. I eat really healthily, and then throw it all up in the toilet. I used to go to a shop specifically to buy chocolate (very sheapishly) to eat only to purge it. But for the last couple of months it's just been normal meals. It does my head in. I do my own head in. Someone earlier on in these posts said they want to look in the mirror and not loathe themselves anymore. I totally relate to that. Whenever I purge I can't look myself in the eye.

I told one friend about a month ago and doing that gave me enough strength to stop purging for about 2 or 3 weeks.

I am SO ready to kick this illness into oblivion.

i am on the road to recovery, just need help for the very end bit. my life is pretty normal, just cant get past the fact that i am fat and ugly. and i still throw up daily....but this is so much better than before - i was at 6 -7 times a day.

Hi, Im Nicola and Im 19 years old. I've been bulimic for 2 years now, and Im so fed up of letting it control my life.
I am a dancer so weight has always been a main focus especially as I went to a full time dance school. This is where it all started. My best friend found out after about a year and went to the head teacher, I was then weighed everyday and constantly monitered. Althought I was meant to be sent home, I refused to go.
I told my mum in August, because I gave myself one last chance to get better on my own, but I failed. My mum used to be a nurse, so I was very lucky because she understood and helped. I went to a conseller, but only saw her a couple of times because I thought it was too easy to lie to her and say I was getting better. I then went to a hypnotherapist, which was a complete waste of time. My mum has made me keep a diary of what I eat and when Im sick, which helps a lot, and I would advise this to anyone trying to get better.
So I have been in recovery now for about 6 months and I went a whole month without being sick, untill yesterday. But there will be many bumps in the road, and I am proud of how well I am doing. And I am starting to stop thinking about beig sick and becoming a happier person. I have come from 8-10 times a day to once a month, so I hope everyone else can come along the same journey with me, because I still find it hard.

FREEDOM TO ENJOY LIFE....*ahhh*
to just be able and enjoy my sisters freshly baked cookies, to have pizza with my boyfriend, to make nachos and new recipes....with out planning how I wil to get to the bathroom with out being obvious about my purging behaviours...or where I will find more food to binge on...no more panic...just freedom and more time to enjoy the simple things in life..because I have let bulimia take so much! ENOUGH!!!

I am happy to have discovered this group....I feel better just knowing there's support and people who understand.

:) Nice to meet you All!!!

Hey my name is Kory and I've been Bulimic for about three years now. It started when I lost 50lbs safely then got scared and started into the trend my weight then started on a roller coaster ride. I hate it, I can't think straight this whole thing consumes you.

I'm also a guy and it's hard because most people just don't understand, I told my friends so they could take me to go get help but their reaction was simple disbelief, one of my friends even said something about Bulimia being only for girls, I really feel like I have no body I can turn to now and no one understands. I just wanted to introduce myself.

Hi Kory,

Welcome! Don't worry lots of men have bulimia. Unfortunately a lot of them do not admit it; I think this can make it harder for men to let others know about their problem.

Russell brand (- UK comedian/TV presenter), openly admitted that he suffered many years with bulimia - + countless others - including footballer Paul Gascoigne and not to mention the UK's Former deputy prime minister John Prescott:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/7357008.stm

I bet we will see a lot more men come forward in the near future! It's good to have you on board Best of luck with recovery!

Ali

I'm totally ready for recovery now. which is both scary and exciting.
I'm looking forward to being able to get up in the morning and take the day for what it is- a gift- rather than waking up sad and negative- hating on myself and my body.
I'm looking forward to paying more attention to the important things in life- i've been so preoccupied with this for the last 2 years, and i'm beginning to realise that by continuing to let myself suffer i'm just blocking out life really.
I'm looking forward to living my life. and being me- rather than trying to be someone else.

xxx

I'm disappointed in myself. I had stopped purging for 9 weeks only to relapse today. I gave in to bulimia and I am hurt. I don't know if I will ever be free from this ED which has robbed me of so much.... Tommorow is a new day and I'm going to start over and try again...I refuse to give up on myself so I'm going to pray and try again.

My name is Liz. I am 18 years old.
I would give anything not to be this way anymore. I want a day to go by where I don't think about binging or purging. It keeps me from going out with friends and doing other fun things. I want to look in the mirror and not have something negative to say. I feel like I am missing out on so much. I just want to be the best me that I can be. I feel as though I am taking life for granted. I have told myself so many times before I will end this dreadful habit, but it's a struggle.

I am so looking forward to having extra money...so much of it goes on my binge food, its sad. I look forward to going out and meeting new people and not feeling like i have this big secret to hide from them.I look forward to feeling normal and not hating myself like i do after i b/p

Hi,

I wrote this on the Bloat thread too then saw I should probably have written it here.

I decided three days ago to face my bulimia head on after 11 years of throwing up every single thing I ate.

I feel like i'm on a rollercoaster of emotions. I feel ecstatically free and NORMAL and at the same time desperately scared and anxious. But I have kept my meals down and I am so proud of myself I'm crying typing this.

I am so uncomfortably bloated but I love the idea of thinking of my bloat as something I am proud of and that is my sign of recovery. Thank you for that!

Last night I wondered how I was going to go on carrying all this food around inside me since I couldn't 'Pass' and felt full of wind. However this morning I passed twice, and without wanting to give TMI, it was the first time it had seemed normal for as long as I can remember. I feel normal and average and it is the best feeling I have ever had.

Please please let me be able to stick to this, I am already so happy but also scared of gaining weight. Everyone comments on how lucky I am being naturally petite and tiny and I don't know how I'll deal with being naturally a bit more curvy and not tiny but I know I have to. I want to live and i want children

I don't know what to do. I spend all of of my money, time and energy on eating and purging. I hate myself. I'm hopeless.

Well my name is Ashley and I'm really hoping to experience life and being able to feel. I dont like feeling numb, sad, depressed, lonely, hopeless, and well you get the idea.
I hope for a better future for myself because this eating disorder consumes so much

Hey! I am 26 years old and have been struggling with eating disorders since 1999, when I was a senior in high school. I have gone through phases when I was both anorexic and bulimic. It's really tough to deal with! Today was a strong, empowering day, so I am not going to elaborate on my issues and how horrible the past 10 years have been. But I will elaborate on how excited I am to have found this website and to feel "normal" reading everyone else's blogs. It is so nice to meet people and to see that some of the "crazy" thought I have aren't so "crazy" after all!
~Tootie~

Hello. I am a 26 year old mother of 2. I am married and have a lot to live for. I have been battling with this disease for 12 years. I had stopeed for over a year at one point and then relapsed a few years ago, and have not been able to back into control. I want to stop, but it is hard. I have seen numerous professionals and they all do and say the same things which obviously have not worked for me. I wanted to try something new sicne I had never tried a site like this before. I was great on day 1 but then fell off on day 2. Not sure why. I felt really motivated. I know I can do this, and I will. I need some support and friends. My husband is aware of my disease, but does not know it is active now. I am ashamed of what he would think. I want to live!

im excited to find this site recently. im excited because in the area i live theres so little help for eating disorders because not enough professionals are trained to deal with it directly. i lost my daughter forever to fostercare system because my eating disorder resulted in loosing weight - 31 pounds during my pregnancy for her and not gaining, followed by looosing her to the system. i went through hell including trying to fight the help i was offered resulting in a judge ruling that a pregnant woman who is depressed and with an eating disorder while pregnant needs to be in the mhu her whole pregnancy. which made me loose her to the system. i did everything i could but my having this disorder and no forseeable time when it would be "cured" made a poor case for me in court. thats rough. and it shows how bad this addiction can be. my experience with this is also raised by being a recovering alcoholic. i realize this is an addiction just like alcohol. when youre body does what it does it sends all these chemicals through your body and you get hooked on it. just like a drug. and i feel like this is perhaps the hardest thing to be in recovery from. any help or advice i appreciate and i hope i can be a source of experience, strength, and hope for others!

Hey everyone....new to the site and looking for some cool people to talk to.
Not JUUUST about our eating disorder because they do not define us as people :)
Feel free to read my blog, leave a comment, and add me!
God Bless :)
-Laura

Hey everyone!...I'm a 20 year old male who has recently been dropped into this horrible binge & purge cycle, and I am desperately trying to crawl out of it before it gets harder and harder. I guess looking back I have developed some irrational food issues over the past 2 years. I have never been overweight and always ate pretty well, but self-esteem issues compelled me to start cutting out "bad food" and start exercising. My obsessive nature soon took over & I would become more and more controlling over my eating patterns. I was never anorexic or anything...but I was a little too strict and as a result lost weight when I didn't want or need too. Anyway this went on for a while but it was last summer after a relationship break up and dropping out of UNI I cracked and had my first binge...I never thought I would ever do sucha thing put I decided to puke the food up. I remember being shocked at myself and I vowed to myself never again...but the timing of having no job or no UNI & my current depressed state the binges crept into my life. Over a few weeks the binges become more frequent as I became more and more of a recluse. I realized I had a problem now so I told my parents & GP. By luck I got into a specialized clinic very quickly but as my current state of bulimia wasn't too bad so they dismissed my case, much to the surprise of my GP. Looking back I feel really angry at them for doing this. Maybe cos' I was a guy? I dunno but I feel if I had had sessions with them so early on it wouldn't have got so bad so quickly. Anyway eventually my empty days would be structured my binging and purging, at least 3 times & at most 4/5 time a day. Despite my parents supporting me I still kept on doing it and I just don't know if I can ever trust myself not to do this anymore! Being on prozac and getting a job recently have helped me cut down, but each time I slip up I spiral back into my old summer routines. I really really need to find a way out quick...this is ruining my life.XXX I just can't exist happily like this. I feel trapped by obsessive thoughts about eating and not eating and not trying to slip up, but there's only a certain amount of times you fail until it's too much. I now understand what its like….but I am optimistic I can get over this, and sites like these really do help. Take care everyone!

I didn't know anything like this exsited? I stumbled across in an effort to find out why, since being in "recovery" from bulimia, I cannot lose ANY weight & have gained 40lbs.....& I realized that I am not half as "recovered" as I thought that I was (funny how this thing sneaks back up on you)!? I was bulimic for a little over 9yrs (only temporarily ceased, to have my son & attemted to quit for him...but was shamefully unsuccessful) & have just started to realize the effects that it has had on me (guess i didn't realize it'd been that long...always thought "just one more time"?). My teeth have started breaking & falling out (not that i'm toothless)lol, yhry're sooo sensitive (gum even has too much sugar in it sometimes), my voice has deepend (no, i don't sound like a man...completely)lol, I cannot sing to save my life anymore, my digestive system is completely thrown off, always w/ the stomach aches & pains, my heartbeat is still irregular at times, always have heartburn & it's not uncommon for me to be lightheaded...& I am really starting to wonder if I have permanantly ruind my metabolism (b/c i cannot seem to lose weight, even the healthy way...wich only makes me fall back into old habits)!? I recently got remarried & have the MOST amazing little boy! Since I met my husband, he helped me to realize that I was hurting my son by my behavior & actually said that he didn't think he could bring another child into the world, if I was only going to kill their mother (wow! what a wake up call!)!? Needless to say, I saw how hurtful & harmful my behavior was & I stopped (that was over a yr ago)!! But.....I've slipped up & now that I can't seem to drop the weight I want, I seem to be "slipping up" alot more frequently? I LOVE MY LIFE & have SO much to live for.... I want to be there for my kids & my husband for a LONG time (they are so amazing & i am so blessed)..... But I am miserable with the way that I am & look now & I guess that's why I am here....I want to be healthy, I want to kick this thing once & for all....I can't bear the hurt in my husband's eyes, when I tell him that I "messed up" again!?!

Hi everyone! I am a college student who is, for the most part, pretty far in recovering from my bulimia. I am a member of a FANTASTIC online recovery group - The Joy Project (Google it!), but wanted to find more people to connect with. I'm really happy to be here and hope to gain some new friends!

ok, I will say that right now I feel terrible! Terrible like my head is going to pop and after it pops I dont think it will feel pain, I think it will think about the dang chocolate cake that is sitting in my frig. HAHA nahh its really not so bad.

I am very glad I came across this site. I decided a few days ago, I wanted to quit...

Yes, I was going to quit...
sounded simple at the time, just like the time before that and the time before that and the time before that.

but, I realized something a few days ago that didn't seem to register before. I realized that I was going to die if I allowed this disease to continue taking my life from me. Now this can't happen. I decided it was time to say goodbye.
Ha Ha yes, I thought about this as if I were thinking about whether or not to allow a good friend to fly to Asia for the rest of their life. It seemed humorous to me, the thought that is of a disease actually being my good friend. The only hard part, it was a good friend. I have lied for it, cried over losing it, left friends for it, spent alot of time with it, allowed it to take my health and teeth, told it goodbye and kicked it out of my life, but, just in case I needed it I left the door cracked so it could come back in if I couldn't make it. THIS TIME THE DOOR HAS BEEN SLAMMED SHUT, BOLT LOCKED, PADDLE LOCKED, AND NAILED!
If it so much as taps I will alert authority! and demand it to go away.
To be honest I feel that there is more going on with this sickness than my own problems. I feel I have opened the door to let darkness in. It is very strange, when I binge I seem to forget the feeling that surrounds me when I am purging. I feel like I am being watched and what is watching me is truely enjoying it. I feel sad, and disgusting and angry with myself for falling victom to it yet again. I pray that all of us will break free from these chains of bulimia, these chians of torture and slow death. I pray that we will see the light and run straight for it without turning back, and once we reach it that we will be able to slam the door and be free, free at last. I CAN NOT WAIT! I am so ready for this wonderful change.

Sorry I know this probably sounded crazy, I have a slight case of ADHD to throw into the pot, I run on and off subject.

Good luck to you all,
I will pray for everyone including myself :)

so i've decided to truly stop once and for all. i keep trying to "shrink" my eating disorder to make it a lifestyle i can keep up with but i realized i cant. i am going to stop weighing myself, and just try to try on the same pair of jeans/top every week i am going to try and stop counting calories (although i doubt i can) i am going to eat only healthy foods (including whole wheat carbs and beans and high fat things as long as they're not mcdonalds/fried/real junk...if i crave something, i will have a small piece of it or all of it if it is small. today i went out for dinner i ordered a veggie burger with a whole wheat bun. i was happy about that seeing as i had already messed up by binging at lunch (XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXl) and i hadnt purged at lunch which i guess was good .. but at the timei thought i would have time to go to bikram yoga which XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX... so yeah..anyways. but when theXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX no matter how freaking full i felt. i ended up just giving into a XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. but still...god...i could feel it in my throat, my stomach gets full very very easily and i just needed it to come up but i didnt purge. i feel weak and strong at the same time. i am looking to get rid of my eating disorder, eat healthy, work out (XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX), splurge once in awhile without worrying about making up for it, stop coutning calories and of course, to lose weight. what do u think?

I don't think it sounds like you are ready to get better. Or I'm not sure you're going to be able to achieve it properly if you don't address some of the things that you are clearly struggling with. No recovery will be perfect, slip ups are natural and inevitable and will make you stronger, but the fact that you are aiming for losing weight and doing more exercise and splurging once in a while sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. It just sounds to me like you are going to head down a route of binging, restricting and over exercising to compensate. That is not recovery. Nor is eating more than your body needs or wants knowing that you will exercise later to try and get rid of it.

I am fairly new to recovery myself (nearly a month in) but I am almost certain that you should be viewing food as nourishment and look to be having a good balance of what you need, rather than looking to cancel it out with exercise.

I love exercise, i do it now because I can and because I feel fitter and healthier than I used to when in my bulimic trap. And sure, it makes me more comfortable with the fact that i am eating regularly and allowing myself good, wholesome and sometimes quite high calorie foods. BUT I do not then see it as a way of cancelling out the binging.

I also think if you are going to continue to measure yourself (and yes it's the same thing if you do it with your clothes rather than your scales) then you are continuing to allow the ED to have an obsessive hold over your eating and your life.

I'm really not an expert and I don't want to preach or be factually inaccurate and i wonder if someone more experienced could respond to this....I am just worried about the approach you are taking and worried about it making you iller in the long run honey. I really hope you don't think I'm being out of order and please feel free anyone else to correct me if I am wrong xxx

Recovery is so hard for all of us because of course after we b/p we vow that this is the "last time" and make all kinds of promises to ourselves about how we will only do this and only do that -- but that sets us up for our next binge. It's all of those rules and restrictions that we set up for ourselves that lead us back onto the bulimia path. We need to relax those restrictions on ourselves so that we don't constantly feel like we have to make up for mistakes or make ourselves more and more perfect. The binge/purge cycle is pure hell, and we let it control us. We all need to figure out how to have a healthy relationship with food and think of it as nourishment. I am so flipping tired of being afraid of food. I just want MY life, not EDs!

"Just for today let me know that I am good enough, attractive enough, and can eat for nourishment and without fear"

Peace,
Michelle

I have recently joined this forum and am looking forward to getting to know you all.

I am looking forward to being able to eat normally, without feelings of guilt or depression. I am also looking forward to being able to look in the mirror and be accepting of the way I look.

My name is Krystle; I am 24 yrs old and have been battling bulimia for over 11yrs. I've hidden my disease from the world for too long, and, after being confronted by my fiancee about my behavior, finally came clean. Since then I've been trying to analyze and alter my behaviors in a healthy way so as to promote recovery. With recent relapses I've decided to seek out a little more help - It's taken me a while to admit it, but I can't navigate the road to recovery without a little co-piloting.

So in short thank you - thank you for providing the tools that people like me so desperately need to utilize.

I feel relieved now that I am actively seeking help (sortof) For a long time I simply read these self-help websites, but now I realize that I need support from others to really do it.

About myself: I'm 18 and I've only had this problem for a year. All I want is to have a normal state of mind again and go back to the wonderful NON FOOD OBSESSED days. I can't wait to not have to think about food all the time.

Ready to be happy and accept that I have a wonderful life that bulimia is jeopardizing unnecessarily. I'm looking forward to not obsessing over food and my weight all day, everyday. I want to feel comfortable with myself and eat because I'm hungry, not because I'm lonely or bored.

I'm glad to join this community and to give and receive help!!

I am Alexandra. I am 20, married, and I have two beautiful girls. I have been bulimic since I was about 13. I have never had a stable weight. It has fluctuated a good 70 pounds between normal weight and obesity. I eat compulsively. I have NEVER had a good relationship with food.

I am looking forward to having a normal stable weight because I am a healthy normal person with normal eating habits. I am looking forward to a day when I eat a meal and don't have anxiety when I am finished, and don't obsess about what/when my next meal will be. I look forward to a life that doesn't revolve around FOOD. I want to be FREE from this addiction... I want to LIVE. Really.

I hope to meet others on here that can relate. Bulimia isn't glamorous. It's UGLY. It doesn't always make you thin... and it makes you hate yourself. Here's to LOVING ourselves!!

***Alley**

Hi! I'm 18 and I've battled "bulimarexia" for about 3 years now. I've had intensive outpatient treatment but it's still a continuing struggle. I currently see a therapist once a week and a psychiatrist once a month. I recently had a relapse and dropped to underweight, but now I am back in a healthy weight range and determined to stay there! I wish I could say the bulimic side of things was going as well...I've had a hard time kicking the purging this time around. I'm trying to be superproactive though, and I haven't purged in four days. I go to ANAD meetings once a week also. I'm joining this community as another way to keep myself on track and also hopefully to offer support to others who are just starting.

Thanks for creating such a wonderful site, I cannot wait to explore it. :)

I'm Abby--I'm 20 years old, in college, and I have struggled with bulimia since I was 13 years old. In the past year, I have felt my body really starting to wear out on me so I decided that I needed to get help before something drastic happened. I met with a counselor in October of 2008 and am still going at it, fighting for recovery. I’ve always felt weird about food. As far back as I can remember, I remember feeling embarrassed to eat in front of people or making sure that I didn’t get too much food because I didn’t want people to see me as a glutton. What do I hope to get out of recovery? I hope to see food just as food. And that is all. Food to me is everything. And I’m ashamed to admit that. I want to have a normal social life again, and actually look forward to the future, not just the food in it.

I'm Julie, I'm 51. I've been bulimic since 7th grade. I've had times when this demon doesn't take charge of my life. I am looking forward to that again. Today is Ash Wednesday. A good day to begin seriously looking at this problem. My husband will retire in 2 years. I don't want to be this way when he is home all the time. The house suffers, I suffer. He smokes. I try to explain that food is my addiction, but he cannot understand that. Baby steps, I tell myself. So I begin ......